Captains Log #2: A 21st Century Pirate: Film Plot!

Pirates aren’t the most intelligent of beasts. They have never been considered so and it’s unlikely that they ever will. The pillaging, the plundering, the odour and the oral hygiene are not really synonymous with brains and brilliance. Captain Jakk, however is the exception.

The other kind of exception.

Nobody knows anything solid about his origin. The prevailing theory is that he is the lovechild of a Portugese aubergine farmer and an old Irish spoon whittler called Thwaite. But then again people also say he has two pairs of knees and neither of them are his, so a pinch of salt must be taken. Whatever his origin may be, he is a complete and utter fool. A fool among fools. An archfool, if you will. Despite such humble and incomprehensible roots, however, this perilously poor pirate now holds the key to the fate of the planet.

After finding himself at the end of a wooden plank with a cutlass held to his throat, Captain Jakk was faced with one of two options: marry the profoundly pockmarked daughter of a recently insulted magistrate (who appeared to be inflating with anger), or dive noggin first into a whirlpool of hammerhead sharks that had recently acquired a taste for locally known delicacy, ‘fermented sea-dog’ — in other words, an unwashed Captain Jakk.

It would be a truly mammoth undertaking for any scholar to attempt to describe just how putrid the Magistrates daughter must have looked, given that before his sentence had even been read aloud to him, the Captain had promptly nose-dived into his own oblivion…

Luckily for our flea-infested friend, the whirlpool turned out to be a wormhole, taking him from the 17th century caribbean to 21st century Peckham. Unfortunate though that may be, what harm could a nautical nitwit do in our age of gadgets and gizmos, you might ask? Do not be fooled — a pirate (or person) plucked precariously from it’s place might possibly prove a peculiar prediction of precipitating a pitiless plague upon the people of the planet.

Put simply — nobody, not even a pirate, should be taken from out of their own timeline! If Captain Jakk can’t get back, the world will end…