Exhausted
Somewhere between now and then I need to take a break from it all
You may remember, I made a very public announcement. Right here on Medium. A while ago already, it seems. I have a dream. It’s still fuzzy, I know. Vague outlines is all I see. I can’t quite fully grasp it. Not just yet. But, I’ve shared my yearning with you.
It’s been more than a week since I set the gears in motion. It outed myself as an aspiring artist. And now I need to create a body of work. Hone my skills. Build an audience. I have to be ready to be in it for the long haul. Work hard. Keep at it.
It is the conclusion of an extended period of introspection. Dealing with old pain. Feeling, often for the first time, ancient, deeply buried grief, sadness, and sorrow. Dispensing with anger that had firmly ingrained itself in my system. Acknowledging the loneliness and emptiness that has been my traveling companion for as long as I can remember.
With most of that behind me, I then ventured to know myself better. Who am I? What am I all about? What are my values? What’s my purpose? Where are my passions? What drives me?
Where do I want to go?
Recently this finally started to coalesce. I could begin to imagine the direction I wanted to go in. The path I wanted to follow. The road ahead.
And, on that road, I was ready to take the first step. So I did.
And that’s when the fatigue set in.
Or, more accurately, taking this first step made me realize how much energy all of this had cost me. The path that took me here. The uphill battle maintained for all those years. The energy sapping loneliness. Brooding on a new me. Cultivating, nurturing, healing. None of this came for free.
With so much of my trail still before me, my soul is yelling, “Slow down!” At a time when I need to ramp up the effort, the muted whisper in the back of my mind has swollen to a mighty roar. A gale with the force of a hurricane. Now a booming voice, it shouts ever louder, “Pace it! Pace it, or you won’t make it.”
I know I’ll keep on walking the path I’m on. I will keep on growing. Changing. Evolving. I have no other option. Once you start down this path of transformation, there is no way back. Onwards is the only viable bearing.
All the while, I still long to simply be. Not have to do anything. Not be anyone. Anyone but me. Recover from this near-exhaustion. Recharge my batteries for a while before I storm the world stage. Before I take the next leap.
Will I gift myself this?
And when?
I you liked what you just read — or if it touched you — you can help me by recommending this story and/or sharing it far and wide. Thanks a lot for your support.
Sven
CONNECT WITH ME
by sending a personal message | by following my journeys on lyf: designing my life ∙ connecting deeply ∙ an artist’s journey | and see what I’m reading: goodreads ∙ flipboard
