pre-past time, past time, present

Poetry by Zarnab Tufail

i want to be loved again. i have felt it in the eyes of a faraway lover but i cannot recall what became of him. sorrow in words always found their way through thorny roads into my heart.

‘i will make wonders with my powdered heart.’

my baby nails are painted black; the color of darkness. they have just discovered the art of carving skin. i am afraid mother might see my art. i roll up my sleeve, take father’s sharp cutter

blood rushes

out

hugs me

muscles

run

away

from each other.

my head spins like i am high on marijuana
i find you a few nights later,
after i abandon my wound with drying spray medicine

you tell me, ‘ you are crazy’
crazy was yet to come, i had not yet begged god to keep you safe.

*

i heard frank ocean for the first time by the ocean, a few days after you. our love changed its course the same as yesterday’s clouds.

you appear as an angel in front of me, i have to touch your hand to believe i am not dreaming. i have not held hands with a man before or after.

frankly, i believed i was special when your mother hugged me. i am scared of cats. i write letters to you daily. will you read them and keep them safe? even if your woman is another one? let’s cook together so i know i will always be the first to make dinner with you. come, let’s hunt movies. have you been to the cinema before? i haven’t. i am drunken in your love.

god, take care of him. no, i will not stop pacing my room with flowing tears until you spare his life. my love, are you okay? it will not take long.

i still cannot find words to describe your forehead kiss or your presence bliss. let’s stay here a while longer. we are lovers, ex-lovers, friends, ex-friends, enemies, best friends, and strangers. visit me again, whatever my mouth tells you is a lie. i am waiting for you to come see me again.

*

they say everything leaves your body in seven years but i carry love for you in my genes and genes don’t go away. they replicate into remorseless islands into even smaller remorseless islands until they are all over my space.

even if i tried, i would never get away from the leg tingling, stomach tightening, and heart-crushing that you left me in.

i still can not understand what made you replace me. finding the answer, it is like fetching water in a desert and in an ocean at the same time; i find no flaws and all flaws in me. i find everything in me, contentment for living my dreams, depression from childhood traumas and love for you.

the only thing missing is your heart. i woke up to a hasten robbery and i begged to have my property returned. i still hope. i hope it stops soon because now tears are flowing and i may not be able to put them back to sleep again.

Zarnab Tufail is a 19-year-old Pakistani poet who enjoys writing even when nothing comes to mind and often, pretends to be part of novels she takes months to finish. Her hobbies include writing letters and sending emails to people. She is an Editor for Siyaah Qalam Akhbar and her work has been published in sister-hood mag, Vagabond City Lit, The Bitchin Kitsch, and Women’s Republic.