I Was Mom-Shamed for Planning a Natural Childbirth
Well into my first pregnancy, I told an old college friend of my plans for natural childbirth.
“You’ll never do it,” she practically spat.
“Don’t be a martyr,” another friend instructed me. “You wouldn’t get a tooth pulled without anesthesia, would you?”
Others were incredulous, asking why I would consider such a thing. Some women literally laughed at me. Many shared traumatizing birth stories meant to “scare me straight,” or exchanged knowing looks that suggested I was off my rocker.
I wasn’t even safe at my own baby shower. In fact, I felt ganged up on: all these women were collected in one room, scoffing at my birth plan like I had no idea how babies were brought into the world. They reiterated how painful and difficult childbirth was.
I came to feel terribly alone in my journey toward motherhood, a time when I really needed some traveling companions the most. And the more people told me I couldn’t do it, the more determined I became to prove them wrong. Yet sometimes, I worried that they might be right. And this is where I got into the dangerous territory of “self-fulfilling prophecies.”
You see, those negative comments were far from harmless. It’s actually counterproductive to share frightening tales of difficult deliveries with a pregnant woman, since experts agree that it’s the very fear of childbirth that leads to much of the pain (and even complications). For one thing, when a woman is frightened, her muscles tense up and make it much harder to effectively move a baby through the birth canal.
The fact of the matter is that unmedicated childbirth is nothing that most women can’t handle; after all, we did so for thousands of years before anesthesia was invented by Helping.Each.Other.Get.Through.It. Long before the advent of obstetricians, laboring women were attended by their sisters, their mothers, their friends. We walked together. We wiped each other’s brows. We sang soothing songs to one another. I doubt that women in the Middle Ages were telling each other, “You can’t do this.” Of COURSE they could do it. How else would the human race survive?
But you know what, I was lucky enough to have my vision and birth plan implemented. And it was surreal. The experience of being alert and in charge of my body during and immediately following the birthing to feel the baby moving through me and into the world, to push him out efficiently was priceless to me. I have never felt more feminine and strong, and my baby and I bonded immediately.
I don’t look down on women who have truly weighed their options and found medication to be right for them, and I certainly don’t fault those who have required emergency C-sections. On the contrary, I’m thankful for the achievements of medical science; I know that many mothers and children are alive today because of it. Yet childbirth is not innately medical.
We need to stop inadvertently shaming each other for our birth choices and circumstances. All births are a beautiful experience, no matter how they’re achieved. Going natural doesn’t make me a better mom. I don’t share this tidbit at dinner parties or on my resume. But I shared it at a time when I needed support from my mom-community, and even if they didn’t think it was possible, it would have been nice to hear a “Good for you,” “More power to you,” or “That will be amazing.”
Because it was.
Months after our initial conversation, I called that old college friend of mine to give her the news. “Well,” I said. “I did it.” And two years later, I did it again. This time, with more support and without any pain.
Originally published at www.care.com.
