Navigating through difficult conversations at work
“You cannot swim for new horizons until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.” ― William Faulkner
When we think about career development, we often focus on what we want to achieve, our goals, and designing success stories and action plans. We usually avoid looking at (and what’s actually is one of the key factors of success) tough and uncomfortable things at work. But yet, we all experience difficulties in our career paths, relationships, and interaction with colleagues and managers.
Embracing and talking through your struggles makes you not only a mature professional but mature person in general. Sometimes, even talking about your desired goal (higher position, higher salary, or quitting your current job for another, preferred one) is a complex act in itself, as this is something uncomfortable to pursue, let’s say, with your manager. Thus, in this blog, we want to talk about navigating difficult conversations at the workplace.
What’s the point?
The anticipation or the fallout can make you feel very anxious. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I appear to sound rude? What if they aren’t willing to cooperate with me anymore? Only thinking of this can drain you of energy and motivation and affect your productivity. You’re so stressed by the time the conversation does come around, saying the wrong thing is much more likely to happen.
Why Do We Avoid Difficult Conversations?
It’s natural to shy away from workplace conflict. It throws us out of our comfort zone. The conversation requires us to be able to manage our emotions. One study (download a full study here ) found that 70% of employees simply avoid tough conversations at work. Here are few reasons why that’s happening:
- Low self-esteem — our inner critic can be attacked during times of trouble
- Uncertainty of the desired outcome — stress on the conversation itself can make it hard to focus on the end-goal
- Fear of rejection — we all want to be accepted both personally and professionally, as well as aiming positive reinforcement at work;
- Negative past experiences — some failures or negative circumstances that can feed fears of what might happen.
Do you actually know how people “handle” avoiding difficult conversations instead of addressing them and speak up for themselves? The findings are from a survey Hale and Joseph Grenny, author of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High included head-in-the-sand tactics like these:
- Considering quitting or taking a different job (37%)
- “Dancing around” the topic when speaking with the other party (37%)
- Resigning from your current job (11%)
- Calling in sick (5.9 %) to delay the conversation
Clearly, any of the above does not sound like a successful path to achieving what you truly want. Therefore, let’s get to the framework on navigating through the challenging conversation you have to go through.
Self-help checklist
Before going into discussing how to structure the conversation, here is a checklist for you to go through prior to starting the talk. Make sure you understand the following things:
✓ The purpose of the conversation. Think about your ideal outcome and why’d you want to achieve it. Work on yourself so that you enter the conversation with a supportive purpose.
✓Don’t assume. What assumptions are you making about this person’s intentions? You may feel intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected, or marginalized, but be cautious about assuming that this was the speaker’s intention. Impact does not necessarily equal intent.
✓What is your emotional context for this conversation? Try to reflect on if you feel constructive or emotional on the topic you want to discuss, and try to predict if you might be triggered by something. Being aware of this or even admitting it in the dialogue is already a part of controlling it.
✓Accept the possibility to adapt. If you prepare yourself for a battlefield to win and only win in the discussion, you’re likely more to lose. Think about things you can compromise on, or prioritize your needs in advance, as in a lot of cases the decision will lay in between.
Four steps guide to navigate through a difficult conversation
Step 1 — Make an Inquiry
Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Pursue it as you don’t have a stated opinion, and try to learn as much as possible about your opponent/partner and their point of view.
Step 2 — Acknowledge
Try to understand the other person so well you can make an argument for them and do it. Communicate back to them that you understand their point. This can be challenging if we associate it with the agreement. Keep them separate. Admitting “this sounds really important to you,” doesn’t mean I’m going to go along with your decision.
Step 3 — Proceed with Advocacy
When you sense your partner expressed all their thoughts on the topic, think about communicating the perspective they missed. Try to clarify your position without minimizing theirs. For example: “From what you’ve told me, I can understand how you come to a conclusion I’m not a team player enough to take a management position. But I think I am… (give an example) I don’t mean to sound defensive, though perhaps I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how to address these issues so that my intention is clear.”
Step 4: Turn the problem into a solution.
Now you’re ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful here. Ask your partner what they consider a constructive outcome. Whatever they respond, find something you like and build on it. Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates safety and encouragement to engage.
Wrapping it up, we want to use the quote of Jordan Peterson, a famous Canadian psychologist: “Remember, If you don’t stand your ground, then all that happens is people push you backward.” Therefore, we want to encourage you to try out the tips and tricks and, always remember: be bold with your career.
P.S. As a bonus to the article, we attaching a guide with conversation starters and other important phrases to use created by Judi Ringer. You can find it here.
Sending you love,
Yulia
The list of resources used to prepare this article:
https://hbr.org/2010/10/difficult-conversations-9-common-mistakes
https://luminalearning.com/a-managers-guide-to-having-difficult-conversations-at-work
