A Chaplain’s Thoughts: How To Show Empathy Instead of Sympathy
We’ve all heard the expression, “Kids say the darndest things!” As a chaplain with experience in hospice, mental health and chemical dependency counseling, I’ve found that when people find themselves in crisis, other well-meaning folks sometimes make incredibly harmful and insensitive comments. In the past week, Kobe and Gianna Bryant’s family received the worst news possible. In other news, celebrities Shannon Dougherty and Rush Limbaugh have both publicly announced they are battling advanced stage cases of cancer. When tragedy or bad news strikes people we know, how do we approach them with sensitivity and show compassionate empathy instead of pointless sympathy and thoughtless comments?
HARMFUL THINGS WE’VE HEARD BUT SHOULD NEVER SAY: If we are honest, we have all had insensitive comments run through our heads or heard someone say something harmful when we were near someone suffering or in crisis. Among the worst comments I have heard include:
- God needed another angel in Heaven . . .
- Did you think he was going to live forever?
- Don’t cry . . .
- I know how you feel . . .
- At least your other children . . .
- Let me tell you what happened to me . . .
When people are in crisis from losing a loved one, receiving a bad medical report or suffering some other tragedy, they do not want to be manipulated into feeling better or hear your stories about what happened to you. They are often feeling some of the most intense pain of their lives and what they need from people around them is support for the experience of pain, not logical or well-meaning efforts to convince them that things are not as bad as they seem.
RECOMMENDATIONS FOR COMFORTING PEOPLE IN CRISIS: The key to knowing how to support people in crisis is to understand what they need in the midst of their intense pain. Any verbal comment that you direct to a person in immediate crisis should seek to build a connection or bond with the person, not confront them or diminish their present experience. So what are some of the ways we can do this?
#1: Embrace Their Perspective. If a person experiences a loss or receives tough news, embracing their perspective means deciding that you are going to put yourself in their shoes — even if you disagree or find yourself unable to identify with their struggle. It may seem silly, insignificant or petty to you but if it is important to them, demonstrate that you realize it’s important to them. Keep it to yourself if you are unable to identify with their perspective. If you want to show empathy, it is important that you understand that your thoughts, feelings or emotions are not important — their perspective is what matters.
A good way to start is with, “I’m sorry . . .” At the same time, providing appropriate touch is also highly effective in comforting someone in crisis. Touch could include briefly holding a hand, placing a hand on a shoulder or even giving a gentle hug. However, always ensure that touch is APPROPRIATE! Someone’s crisis today is NEVER a green light to touch them differently than you would have touched them the day before. Using empathetic touch should always be kept in the context of your relationship with the person and the environment you find yourself in (work, home, out in public, etc.).
#2: Validate their feelings and emotions. Every human being possesses a unique emotional landscape. No two people in the world have the exact same life experiences, emotional maturity, wounds of the heart or have the same acquired coping skills. We all have varying reactions to painful stimuli. As a result, if we are to demonstrate empathy toward a person in crisis, it’s important that we let them know that we recognize that they are in pain and that their pain is OK. Never try to convince someone that they should not feel the way they do. Telling someone, “I know you are in a lot of pain . . .” does not mean you agree with their expression of pain. It simply validates their humanity and their right to their emotions.
#3: Never cast judgment. Sometimes we find ourselves in the presence of someone suffering the consequences of their own actions or poor decisions. Whether this is true or not, never cast judgment on someone who is in crisis. Logic, judgment or manipulation of a person in crisis is never appropriate. If you cannot reserve judgment, WALK AWAY! Once again, the best way to show empathy is to lead with “I’m sorry . . .” and let them know “I know there is nothing I can say to make this better . . .” It is also important to accept that people in pain often lash out. Be willing to take it rather than retaliating. Showing empathy always involves vulnerability and humility on your part.
#4: Give more of your presence and less of your words. In many cases of demonstrating empathy, your willingness to stand by them can be much more comforting than your words. Words take skill and sensitivity but presence only requires an empathetic heart. In the ancient Middle East, a man named Job suffered the death of ten adult children, the loss of his livelihood and his health all in the same day. When his friends came to check on him, they embraced his perspective with tears and loud weeping. They validated his emotions through a cultural demonstration of tearing their robes and putting dust on their heads. They provided their presence and wisdom by sitting with him for seven days and nights without speaking to him or one another. Silence was their way of reserving judgment, even though his circumstances appeared to them to be the result of supernatural punishment. They made a decision to not saddle their friend with their judgment while he was in the throes of intense pain. Whether you accept this story as historical or metaphorical, it is one of the best stories of empathy ever told.
My heart goes out to the Bryant, Dougherty and Limbaugh families. May God grant them grace during this incredibly tough time. My hope is that everyone they come in contact with demonstrates real empathy, compassion and sensitivity.
A Chaplain’s Thoughts . . . is a new series of articles reflecting my professional interactions with and observations of the mind, body and spirit.
