Hope is a Waking Dream

When You Feel Like You Have Nothing Else…

Have you ever came across a quote that just really stuck with you?

“Hope is a waking dream.” -Aristotle.

This particular quote impacted me, making me stop and reflect the moment I saw it. Being so moved by such powerful words, I was motivated to write about what it meant to me, as writing is my favorite therapeutic outlet. I journaled about my personal experience with severe depression, as well as the inner battles my mind constantly throws at me.

The Entry

As someone who is diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), this quote really hits home.

Best versus Worst Self

The best version of myself is the one most people see, as she is the one that I typically display more. That version is a badass.

• She is inspirational. Her story, persistence, strength, and genuine love she holds for others touches more hearts than she even realizes. Her love for those around her is so deep, she motivates others to start loving themselves more, and loving others more, as well.
• She is positive. Life loves to throw her curveballs. Although she isn’t a big fan of sports, she is a good sport and gives it her best shot, regardless of the odds. She may not know the outcome of a challenge, but she knows she’s gotten through every obstacle thus far.
• She is full of ideas. In fact, one could easily argue that she has more ideas than she has time to explore. She could easily argue that. But that best version of herself can accomplish quite a lot. Having too many ideas isn’t a terrible problem to have.

I love that version of myself.

I am ready to conquer the world; a force to be reckoned with.

The worst version of myself is one that I don’t love to display, or to even deal with, quite frankly.

• She has a body riddled by a seemingly paralyzed feeling of sadness and hopelessness that attempts to overtake her life. It attempts to hold her in place, bound by an unbearable misery. This detrimental cycle is a dangerous addiction, even more-so as it isn’t as visible as others, making it more difficult to address.
• She second guesses herself, and then stops herself from reaching her full potential due to a fear of imminent failure.
• All of the ideas she has constantly streaming through her brain remain unexplored, untouched…as if they never existed. She is riddled with such an immense sadness, yet that particular thought cuts deeper than most any of the others. Her ultimate fear is to ‘live’ a life of wasted potential, one that doesn’t even encompass the true concept of living. Yet sometimes, she feels powerless to stop it from happening.

“The possibilities are endless, yet I don’t want any of them.” -Pierre XO

• She spends so much time in her head that she leaves hardly any time left to spend in the world, leading to a detrimental cycle of self destruction. Her reality can oftentimes look much more daunting from her personal perspective, so she retreats into a world more grim than the one she actually exists in.

That version is one that I oftentimes wish didn’t exist, or was at least less prominent/ more easy to control.

I hate that version of myself. I feel as if I am the one who has been conquered, unable to fight off the forces the world has thrown my way.

Real versus Fake (and the guilt trip)

As someone who finds myself oftentimes being referred to as an inspirational and positive influence, I find myself struggling with feelings of guilt when my mindset shifts to a more negative one. I fear that I may then become ‘toxic,’ and too often guiltily hide my true feelings. I simply don’t wish to burden others, or hinder them in any way.

I obsess so much over wanting to remain that girl that is so ‘inspiring,’ that I fail to realize that part of that inspiration is actually found in how I manage to rise back up each time I fall. I fail to realize that…

*Part of that inspiration comes from my ability to re-emerge, and as a stronger, more complete person, after becoming so deeply immersed in that destructive mindset pattern.

*Part of that inspiration is found in just how many times that has happened. It’s not that I never learn my lesson. I simply learn a little more each time. There is a lot of beauty in that, yet it is heavily disguised by ‘failure.’

I also oftentimes fear that by also sharing my moments of weakness, I may come off as if I am almost being “fake,” since I am referenced to by many as a positive inspiration.

In my defense, I never gave myself that title. I am honored whenever others label me as such, but I would be lying if I said there wasn’t a slight guilt.

Why? I guess I feel that I can’t be such a “positive” inspiration when I also experience so many negative emotions. Ironically enough, I can name SO MANY other examples of people who meet that exact criteria, and who I find quite inspirational. We really can be our worst critics.

Both sides do indeed exist. They are conflicting forces that don’t seem to work together, but that’s because they aren’t meant to. That does not mean they can’t. It simply means that they both can’t simultaneously exist as the primary force in a balanced life.

I do thoroughly believe everything I say in regards to self love, positivity, confidence, finding happiness, etc.

However, the mind can be very deceiving, and mine has been one of my biggest battles that I still continue, and will always continue, to face.

It is always lurking in the background, waiting for the ‘perfect’ opportunity to strike.

It is much too easy for me to slip into a mindset where I forget to tell myself everything that I so passionately tell others.

I don’t forget that these concepts exist, but rather, that they also apply to ME.

Not only do I fail to remind myself of these things, I can also too easily forget to treat myself with the same love and compassion I give others.

I also too easily underestimate my abilities; that I have the same strength and capacity to get through something that I insure others that they possess when they are faced with challenges.

“Hope is a waking dream.” -Aristotle

When I feel at my lowest, when I feel as if I have exhausted all of my options (as well as my mental ability to move forward), HOPE is the one thing I can cling onto in order to possibly be able to climb out of this valley.

I know that I have a purpose, just like everyone else on this earth. The better version of myself utilizes that to a fuller potential, excitedly awaiting whatever is in store.

When I don’t let my depression define me, and when I am able to properly balance the feelings of despair I encounter with feelings of hope, I become an unstoppable force.

That is when the version of myself that I am meant to be, the one who can be a part of the change I wish to see, awakens.

And conquers.

Never lose hope. If you do, you also lose your purpose, your passions, and your dreams.

And, you lose your LIFE, before you even get to live it.

Doing this journal prompt was quite eye-opening and and refreshing for me. I hope that someone else who stumbles upon this, and who experiences similar thoughts to mine, can also find this to be as thought-provoking as I did. Nobody, myself included, deserves to feel this way. Depression can be quite debilitating and draining, leaving one vulnerable to feelings of helplessness if not addressed.

**If you struggle with these types of feelings, do not be afraid to speak up and seek help. There are numerous different avenues of help available now that are convenient, easy to use, anonymous, and diverse. You are worth it.

Here are just a few resources you can check out:

www.nami.org (National Alliance on Mental Illness)

www.afsp.org (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention)