Emotions….
American culture gives us so many mixed messages about what emotions are and are not acceptable. This goes for both men and women. At a young age, for a reason that I am not even sure of, I told myself that I should not have too many emotions, I should bottle it in and adapt to my environment so that I am not too much of a burden to those around me. I learned how to be independent and survive as much as I could on my own. When I was upset and someone around me could tell that I was upset, they would ask me if I was ok. I would utter a quick “I’m fine” unless I was at the tipping point and everything would come erupting out. That was the cycle. Bottle it all in until I could not take it anymore and then things would explode. I never learned that my emotions were valid nor how to voice what I was feeling in a healthy way.
This was a destructive pattern especially in my marriage. I was 21 and he was 23 when we got married. It was very evident even when we were dating. I would get upset about something, not say a word, but then start acting some sort of way. He would notice something was wrong, ask me and again I would say “I’m fine.” He would keep asking, but I would keep saying that I was fine. I would not talk about it. I didn’t know how to talk about it. Over and over again. Growing up, my family’s preferred method of dealing with conflict was avoidance. If something happened, we all acted like it didn’t happen. You would maybe go talk about it to another family member, but we would never go directly to the person and have a conversation about it. This is pretty much how I dealt with conflict my whole life until maybe 5ish years ago. I started going to counseling and my counselor started talking to me about how my emotions matter and that I am allowed to have emotions. If someone does something that hurts my feelings, those are feelings are valid. They don’t get to tell me that I am too sensitive or am overreacting. This was such new concept for me. I had heard the opposite most of my life from my marriage to friends to coworkers to pastors. Even yesterday I fought the feeling that I am too sensitive and that I need to suck it up.
About 3 years ago I came to a hard realization that I was playing the victim and that if I did not speak up about how I felt no one would actually know. When I do speak up, some times it goes great, and other times the person bashes the hell out of me. It isn’t a safe place and I LOVE safe places. What brought me to this realization was that I had been working with someone for over a year. He was not my boss, but the way the power structure at my job worked he always got to have the final say. Needless to say, we butted heads on quite a few things. I felt unheard and not valued. After butting heads over many things for several months, I decided it was not worth it and became a yes woman. As decisions were being made I would voice my opinion once, but if he did not like it I would just say ok and did what he wanted. This went on for about a year until it didn’t. That whole year I did not like him at all. I tolerated him and kept my mouth shut. I was not honoring how I felt and thought again that I needed to suck it and not be so sensitive. I can’t even remember what happened, but one day it BLEW up. We got into a huge fight. I said how I was really feeling and pushed back hard and loudly. Then he pulled out the Pastor card and demanded that I submit to him. That is a whole other subject! Needless to say we did not talk for about a week, and we worked closely together so that was unusual. I had no idea what to do. We finally started talking through things, and he honestly had no idea how I had been feeling about things the past year. I had done such a great job of bottling all of my emotions in so he had no clue. My part in all of this was that I realized that if I don’t say anything the people around me really won’t know. How they choose to respond is on them. I would like to say that things worked out with us and we are good friends, but the honest truth is that I am not ok with pastors pulling rank over me in the name of Jesus. Jesus could of come onto this earth and pulled rank every day, but He never did. I am not sure why we think using our power to demand submission is ever effective, ESPECIALLY in the church. I digress.
In the last several weeks, I have had multiple opportunities to address my hurt feelings. Everything is also feeling way more emotional. I am not sure if it is because I am pregnant or because I am actually letting people seeing my true feelings for what feels like the first time in my life. Let me tell you, it has been sooo freeing. It is painful, but when I actually let it out I have such freedom. Sometimes people respond well and other times people don’t respond well. I can’t control that which is why I am so scared to voice how I feel about things. When you voice your emotions and values, you are out in the open which gives people the opportunity to be critical and down right nasty. This is the rub.
A couple of posts ago I talked about how I came to the realization that I don’t love myself. These past weeks I am realizing that part of that is that I don’t like how I feel things so deeply. I do love that I can connect deeply with people. I have had the opportunity to sit with people in moments of deep loss and deep joy. Those are sacred spaces and are so comfortable to me. Those moments have been gifts to me. I love that about myself. What is such a struggle for me is when it is my feeling. The voices in my head tell me that I am being too sensitive, selfish, cold, this is probably my baggage, etc. On the other side when I am excited the voices tell me that I am trying to get attention, etc. I learned several years ago that I need to use my voice. The actual putting it into practice is another story. It is an interesting process because people who have known and experienced you one way your whole life. Then you start practicing new ways of being and they don’t really know how to respond. Not always a smooth process, but so worth it. I am realizing that being silent is no longer an option for me. Will it be messy? Hell yes! Will it be worth it? Hell yes! If you leave with one thing today, know that your voice and emotions matters. If the people around you say otherwise, maybe you need to move on. I say that with all love and affection! Love you all and thank you for joining this adventure with me.
