Member-only story
Cry Me a River to the Other Side of Grief
—When your child dies, how do you go on?
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If there’s anything more painful than grief, it’s feeling like your grief makes others uncomfortable, holding your tears back, pretending there are no cracks and that everything is fine while feeling like no one in the world knows the grief you have for your child, not even their father.
Falling apart on the inside but having to hold it together on the outside. What kills me is standing upright, holding on to the closest thing I could find to keep from falling when all I want to do is lay flat on the floor, making angels of anguish and crying myself a river to the other side of grief.
Pretty soon, everyone will move on with their lives. You'll move on too, but for you, it'll be different. While they seldom visit that river, you become part of the river, breathing with it, beating with it, and flowing with it.
Over time, my days became a little less sad, a little less lonely, and a little less cold. Yet I know that the endless sunshine I've enjoyed before, that impeccable weather, is a thing of the past. As I walk through life, I'll smile again, laugh, and feel joy, but now my rainbow is filled with a touch of gray.
