A Cat is Not a Nurse
How Pets Abuse Covid
I came to the covid game late. Recently I endured my first ever bout, which wasn’t too bad, more like a light flu with a nose spigot. But that wasn’t the shocking part.
Because who knew just how shamelessly your nearest and dearest would take advantage?
Yes, your feline darlings may seem like they are doing their sweet and furry best to comfort you in your fever and blowing.
But be aware of the hidden claws in the agenda, the whisker noodges aiming at the total breakdown of civil and moral order!!
Below is a partial list of interspecies covid effects, as personally researched by the author:
1. Inability to get out of bed or Treat Madness
Actual physical ability to get out of bed is not affected.
Because a fur blockade is just as effective.
Since some fool put the giant size treat jar on the bedside table and at first dropped handfuls to good kitties hanging out with their sick mom.
Recovery Tip: If the human does make it out of bed without falling over the cat pile-up, watch out for the pincer movement! This involves herding the human away from the bedroom door, unless ransom is paid.
(Of interesting note is the Olympic coordination from two cats whose normal proximity inspires hissy fits and boxing bouts.)
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2. Balance Impairment or Insane Treat Madness
You might think it is reasonable to make a trip to the kitchen to find something to tempt covid-comatose taste buds.
However, no one but you has forgotten the main supply of treat bags/jars there.
So if you are suddenly tipping over, it may be covid affecting your balance, or it may be the treat-crazed cats wrapped around your ankles.
Recovery Tip: If you must be ambulatory, firmly grip any nearby furniture to protect your bones and your life.
3. Sudden Skin Eruptions or Total Bed Coup
While attempting bed rest, you may find yourself spasmodically twitching. Inflamed bumps will itch like mad, but you cannot.
Is it covid? or that your sick bed is filled with an enormous feline who dislikes interruptions to his blissful, 24/7 nap?
Don’t worry about your numb legs, probably not covid (but who knows?). Since the cozy dude prefers being jammed up wherever most obstructs bloodflow.
It’s not just the strong claws he will dig in if you try to move the behemoth, but the mournful look that will pierce your soul.
Recovery Tip: Chemical flea solutions don’t work for us, and fleacombing means getting out of bed. See above on pincer maneuvers. Regrettably, the only solution is profanity.
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4. Pandemic Breakdown or Universal Breakdown of Order
Just as we once experienced on a societal scale, disruption has trickled down to the once peaceful contract between feline and human.
- Time Bends
In your viral fog you may forget when the last mealtime was. You will find that feedings will occur anytime and anywhere.
Relatedly, diets will be thrown gaily to the covid winds! Your formerly overweight pet will balloon to obesity before your eyes.
Recovery Tip: Best not try to explain to the vet that your pet mind-melted you when you were sick, even if true.
- Shape-Shifting
Now the human is handy and covid-malleable, your formerly demure felines will morph into demonic fur-fiends. Watch for:
- endless bleats of begging reinforced by zombie, mind-penetrating stares;
- pawing water bowls into puddles on the hardwood floor, alerting you to perform crisper service;
- thunderous purring sounding lovely and supportive but meaning “do what I want and now”;
- princess entitlements for the overweight, like being hoisted onto the couch when perfectly able to use the cat stairs.
- Devolving Communication
Meow tones will sharpen from warm and melodious to edgy and despotic, as in “What the heck is wrong with you?” and “Can’t you move any faster with that tuna?”
Recovery Tip: You need your strength, so best just apologize.
5. Road to Recovery or Road to Murder
Fresh rodent delivery is not acceptable during the night.
The cat access window is normally firmly shut by bedtime, partly as protection from the neighborhood coyote, partly for protection from the viewing and disposal of half-eaten corpses.
But due to erratic covid sleeping times, the window was not properly closed.
So gird yourself for the 3 am cat-window thump with throaty “victory call,” announcing the latest rat catch. Next stop the living room rug for convenient snacking. Then the sick bed for a ratty-breath face snuggle.
Recovery Tip: Try to suppress any screaming and yelling. It will only wear you out and then you will have to apologize some more.
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Update: Now that I am recovered we have regained at least minimal cat-human boundaries. Most of my bed and leg functioning are back. But so far there is no cure for the cool feline stares locking onto me, as time blurs and I find myself robotically tossing out treats to the milling cat herd, day and night.
