My Cats Need Their Own House
Or maybe I should move out and let them have this one
I’ve slept badly for two nights for these cat-related reasons: 1. Scooter and Fat Zombie fight LOUDLY all night long, and 2. Sweet Zombie is certain that morning comes somewhere between 2:30 and 3:00 a.m.
Sweet Zombie has developed a technique for waking me up. It begins with lightly tapping my face, especially around my mouth, with his claws. Then, when my hand comes up to push him away, he bites my fingers.
Last night, the tap-tap-tap-bite-bite-bite began around two thirty and lasted until I finally got up around six fifteen. You’d think he’d eventually realize it doesn’t work very well. You’d also think I would eventually pick him up and put him in the bathroom for the night.
Sweet Zombie’s claws are extra sharp — at least, that’s how it feels in the middle of the night, when he’s raking them across my lips. I’ve tried putting those little claw caps on them, which is not an easy task. Step one is to trim his claws. Then, after he’s fully distressed from having his claws messed with, I have to superglue each cap into place and hold him long enough for them to dry.
It takes him 2.7 seconds to get the first one off. After that, it’s just a matter of hours before most of them are gone.
In addition to the fighting and the tap-tap-tap-biting, last night, my cats also declared that there was an axe murderer in the yard. Sweet Zombie sat up, listened carefully, and began to growl. This used to really freak me out because Fat Zombie and Sweet Zombie have both been known to growl at people they see walking along the road outside my cabin. Since then, though, I have learned that the middle-of-the-night growl typically means there’s a cat in the yard.
Still, I made sure my knife was within easy reach.
In the meantime, Frankie was also on my bed off-and-on last night. I know this because, at one point, I moved my leg. She pounced and bit me right behind the knee. She also likes to attack feet, but my feet were left alone last night.
While all this was going on, Ebenezer would occasionally sneak up from the foot of the bed to demand attention. I’d pet him until Sweet Zombie noticed. Sweet Zombie would then pounce, chasing Ebenezer away. Sweet Zombie doesn’t like to share.
Had there actually been an axe murderer outside my window, in the middle of the night, he would have heard me yell, “SHUT UP!!!” to the cats who were growling at each other. Then he would have heard me mutter, “You’re all buttholes. Every one of you. Except you, Ebenezer.”
In a few months, I’ll be moving with my sister and brother-in-law into a new house two states away. The house we are Most Seriously Considering would give me my own bedroom AND a rather good-sized room to use as a library/sitting area. Plus my own bathroom. If we get this house, I may divide the clowder at night. I’d take an alliance of cats to my bedroom at night, and leave the others in the sitting room. Perhaps I will always separate Scooter and Fat Zombie at night. The only ally Scooter has is Frankie, but maybe I can help foster an alliance between him and the Muffin Man. The Muffin Man is my oldest cat, and he mostly gets along with everyone else. I’m honestly not sure he’s ever noticed Scooter. I’ve never seen them interact.
Hopefully, this means I’ll sleep better in 2023. I only have to survive until then.
