What Does Your Cat’s Eye Color Say About Her?
A Guide to Kitty Superpowers
My cat Trixie recently interrupted regular broadcasting about her tuna surprise dinner selection to channel a new slant on cat P.Q., aka psychic quotient.
When I expressed my surprise she yawned and said it’s hardly new, since vibration-wise, humans aren’t the sharpest claws in the clowder. She added that aliens are far easier to communicate with (see below).
Here is Trixie’s quick guide to your pet’s eye color, and how it reflects their unique P.Q.
(Warning: some cat eye colors shift like kitty kaleidoscopes, so while you are peering, do not attempt to operate heavy machinery.)
Green Eyes — Your basic witchcat. Adept at casting spells, like when you suddenly find yourself offering her your plate of salmon. Gifted at fortunetelling: can read scratches on palms and bite Tarot cards, usually the one with the dog about to waltz over a cliff.
Green-eyed felines in black fur are spookcats, at their spookiest on their favorite holiday — Halloween was their idea — when they also enjoy cat yoga workouts. They have long collective memories of persecution in medieval times and will know if you’re a cat-hater. Crossing your path with bad luck is no accident, though you could have one soon.
Brown-Green — A common color combo and aces at covert ops; for instance when you thought you were going out or on vacation, then mysteriously are still at home with a cat purring on your lap, smugly.
The more advanced with this P.Q. can transmogrify. All those bugs they like to chase? Former enemies. The tale of the insipid-prince-turned-into-a-frog? Not just a story. Handy if you have plans for your ex.
Blue Eyes — Orbs of sapphire grace the Siamese and their mixes, and these cats have stars in their eyes. What might seem like an ordinary nap is often a gravity-free float through the milky way. They can retrieve objects from other dimensions such as missing socks and lost wills if they are in them.
As they hail from royal lineage any precious jewels they locate are theirs, and anyway they look prettier in them. So let go of the diamond bracelet they just pulled from under the sofa, unless you want to take a trip down a galactic rathole (Trixie tip: more scary than wormholes, which are rather stupid).
Turquoise Eyes — Behind these glowing gems there are cosmic confabs going on, as they and fellow furlosophers weigh in on such like “Now we have pop-top cans, are humans really necessary?”
They are prone to addiction to psychedelic catnip, but do not care.
Silver Eyes — You are unlikely to ever see these, but in case you do, stay alert! Trixie warns these are ET cat species come to check out earthly entertainment opportunities for the jaded alien cat.
She notes they have been disappointed that humans are so grumpy about being played with. They could be our friends, or at least mostly benign overlords, if we ever had the sense to send out a greeting party of Siamese.
Golden Eyes — These are the sun kittens who can beam themselves anywhere, either to bask in the glory days of the goddess Bast, or though you swore they were in, over to your neighbor’s house with Friskies instead of the healthy grub. They also have black collars in cat fu, so take care when you suddenly see them materialize on top of the fridge, right before they divebomb your head.
Golden Brown Eyes — Cats with these mesmerizing peepers usually have matching tawny or calico fur to rock a smashing fashion look. Trixie — a calico herself — seems reluctant to divulge their PQ powers. We all need to keep up our allure! (I’m taking a guess it’s supernapping.)
Orange Eyes — Don’t look into them. Really, just don’t. Think spinning heads.
Blue or Variable Eyes in White Cats — This group has a reputation for being deaf, but at their genius P.Q. level they simply eschew distractions. Specifically they are adepts at string theory and devote their otherworldly hours to swatting the physics that determine fate and time. Try not to interrupt, because chaos is all the same to them as long as it wiggles nicely.
You can ask them to grant a wish which they may or may not hear or answer, or might later, say in the next life. First they would like to sit on your black pants.
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We catficionados know the real superpower of cats — Love. If we’re lucky, and we are, they will even love us back.
