Self Love: Not As Easy As It Seems
“If all black women started a self-love journey, we could heal generations.” Self-love educator, Denise Francis, began her 2021 TEDx with this very statement. Emphasizing the importance of black womens’ complete surrender to the tears, anger, and pain that may come and not subjecting herself to hold it all, Denise helps others to realize that the strong black woman is the healed black woman and that we, as black women, are not alone in our struggles. However, though it is incredibly important, self-love has never been an easy endeavor for black women. For generations upon generations, we’ve always been held to an archetype of how we should and should not, can and cannot, act and even react. While Denise emphasizes how a Black Woman’s self-love journey, however it may manifest itself, is not only essential to our own healing but also the healing of generations before and to come, she under emphasizes the looming expectation of always having to be a “Strong Black Woman” that hinders and makes it all the more difficult for a black woman to embark on her self-love journey. Because of this archetype, we are forever bound to a pigeonhole that does not, and often punishes us for, allowing that full and complete surrender to raw emotions that is so very necessary to begin a self-love journey.
From extremely young ages, black women are taught not to be “too emotional”. In her speech, Denise recounts the incredibly admirable strength of the black women in her life that was, unfortunately, so very often coupled with a self-silencing behavior. A trope that was not taught, but shown to her through the behaviors and actions of the women in her family, the Strong Black Woman idea ultimately served to “[tell] them that they should be strong and resilient, but not [allow] them to engage in the behaviors needed to preserve their strength and resilience (Francis).” Emphasizing the importance of allowing yourself to have a self care journey would not only change black women’s own lives, but create a culture in the black community where black women don’t feel like they have to be able to do, and push through, everything with no emotion. Normalizing the idea of self-love would help black women as a whole know that they are not alone and that it is okay to be vulnerable, and in the process heal other generations, both future and former.
While Denise does an exceptional job emphasizing the importance of a Black Women’s self care journey, both to herself and others, I feel as though she under emphasizes the difficulty of even beginning to embark on this journey because of the expectations that the “Strong Black Woman” label has already imprinted upon us. In initiating her self care journey, a black woman must allow herself a full and complete surrender to truly feel all of her emotions and not bear everything inside, however, this is in direct contradiction to the paradigm of a “Strong Black Woman” that is already constantly being imposed upon her, telling her that it’s unacceptable to let any of these emotions or true feelings out. This presence of this archetype often places an incredible burden and pressure on black women to always carry themselves with an emotional restraint that is not nearly as enforced on any other group or community. White men, white women, and even black men, are not held to the same standard or forced to conduct themselves with the same restraint as black women are, which only further perpetuates the isolation that comes with being subject to the pigeonhole that is the strong black woman trope.
Historically, the expectations of this narrative have not only been imposed upon black women from outside communities, but within the black community as well. For centuries, black women have been considered unbreakable to an almost superhuman-like degree, possessing a selflessness to a point that often undermines her own needs. Just one example of this is the legendary abolitionist and former slave, Harriet Tubman, who is known for valiantly returning to the south 13 times, liberating upwards of 700 slaves over the course of 10 years (Harriet Tubman ByWay). Though known for her courageous efforts, it is not as well known that Harriet also suffered from a traumatic head injury in her early years that subjected her to a lifetime of severe headaches and narcolepsy (Michals). Examples, such as this, of black women throughout history persistently pushing through have often resulted in outside communities holding them to an extremely exhausting caliber that provides little to no room for support or repose. Outside communities, however, are not the only ones at fault for placing such a large load for black women to bear. The “Strong Black Woman” archetype is extremely common throughout the black community as well, with it often shaping family dynamics and in turn the culture as a whole.
Because the narrative has become such a staple in the black community, it has resulted in most if not all black women being raised with a sense of a necessity to uphold this narrative. From an early age black women have been conditioned to suppress feelings and emotions of tears, anger, and pain, however, the internalization of the Strong Black Woman narrative on black women has only proved to increase negative mental effects. Though the Strong Black Woman schema is often rooted in a history of black womens’ strength and resilience, internalization of it has been strongly linked to increased levels of depression, anxiety and loneliness in these same black women (Liao et al). How can a black woman be expected to allow herself to begin a self-love journey if her entire life is spent in a negative feedback loop where she is expected to suppress the very emotions that self-love urges us to embrace?
Where this narrative says to show no emotion and that there’s no time for mental health, self-love urges us to embrace and explore them and to make time. Though this can be a extremely tough change to make, as it requires the unlearning of a lifetime’s-worth of conditioning and cultural expectations, ultimately, the self-love journey of a black woman can only truly begin once we break ourselves free from the harmful expectations and standards imposed upon us by the “Strong Black Woman” narrative. It starts with the single change of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, even if for a moment, that has the potential to reverse the effects of an entire culture.
References
Francis, Denise. Jun 7 2021. The Power of a Black Woman’s Self-Love Journey. TEDx.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh-M0FzgMcw
About Harriet Tubman. Harriet Tubman Underground Railroad Byway.
https://harriettubmanbyway.org/harriet-tubman/
Michals, Debra. 2015. Harriet Tubman. National Women’s History Museum.
Yu-Hsin Liao, Kelly; Wei, Meifen; Yin, Mengxi. Oct 29, 2019. The Misunderstood Schema of the Strong Black Woman: Exploring Its Mental Health Consequences and Coping Responses Among African American Women. Sage Journals.
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0361684319883198
