The eldest daughter’s curse — How can we break it?
TheEvolving’s tumblr post (https://www.tumblr.com/the-evolving/714699483379810304/and-my-emotions-bubbled-up-like-the-chai-did-and?source=share) is a typical representation of the newly born movement known as the “eldest daughters”, a group of advocates shedding light on the struggles faced by firstborn daughters. This movement is gaining momentum as it addresses the burnout that eldest daughters often experience due to the overwhelming responsibilities and expectations imposed by their parents. It describes the lack of emotional understanding parents have regarding their firstborn daughters, drawing a compelling analogy between herself and a tea kettle which overboils due to too much pressure placed upon it.
While I agree with the portrayal of the struggle of eldest daughters, I believe it is necessary for the movement to start focusing on the origins of these challenges, recognizing its roots in patriarchy and gender expectations.
The analogy of a tea kettle, used by TheEvolving to describe her struggle as the eldest daughter, is vulnerable and relatable. It vividly portrays how eldest daughters can experience emotional outburst due to intense pressure placed upon them. The post notes that parents may “pile on more without knowing what’s inside”, underscoring the disregard and lack of awareness often exhibited by parents regarding their eldest daughters’ emotions. The desire for understanding and acknowledgement from parents is palpable, with TheEvolving emphasizing her pivotal role in the family’s well-being. However, the family’s reaction, blaming her for the “stained cabinets” caused by the overflowing tea, symbolizes parents reprimanding their eldest daughters for emotional outburst, even when the parents themselves are the root cause.
I believe this post is relatable and accurate to the eldest daughter experience, in fact, most posts you’ll see on eldest daughter threads will express similar feelings. This is highly important to the cause, as others must be made aware of the struggles eldest daughters go through. It may bring parents to realize their shortcomings, cause siblings to sympathize with their older sisters or even allow eldest daughters to realize they haven’t been treated fairly and are not alone in their struggle.
Nevertheless, it is time for the community to start shifting its focus towards addressing the roots of these problems, which are deeply engrained in our society. Only by doing so can we hope to break the generational curse of eldest daughters.
But what exactly is this curse, and why is it that so many eldest daughters seem to share this common experience?
Eldest daughters seem destined to be like a second mother in the family, taking on a role as a caretaker in the family, even at a very young age. They often describe themselves as the “family therapist”, grappling with their parents’ issues and shouldering an inappropriate level of responsibility for their age. They are expected to set an example for their younger siblings, with constant pressure to succeed. They are the “glue” holding the family together through hardships and are expected to settle down, get married and start their own family.
Parents may argue that this type of parenting raises strong, capable, independent women. But this is not accurate. Strength, independence, and capability come from a place of confidence. Eldest daughters may display such behaviors, but they are a reaction to fear and guilt-tripping. This is not a healthy way to raise a child, burnout is inevitable when you act out of fear, making it impossible to live a peaceful life.
Fear is also the perfect catalyst for perfectionism and people-pleasing. Eldest daughters are prone to be terrified of failure and of falling short of expectations their entourage has for them. People-pleasing is characteristic for eldest daughters, as they are raised to concentrate their energy into fulfilling other people’s desires. TheEvolving shows exactly where that fear stems from, as she illustrates the reactions parents frequently have when their eldest daughter opens up about her true emotions or stands up for herself: they shun her for her emotions, even though they are the ones causing them.
Countless women and girls endure these struggles, highlighting the urgent need for change. Women are not mere motherhood-machines, women are not simply supposed to “function” and obey. I believe this movement and these posts serve as a crucial part of the feminist movement, aiming to detach gender expectations from women and free them from patriarchal expectations. Eldest daughters carry the destructive and harmful thought and behavioral patterns their parents instilled in them throughout their whole life, hindering their ability to become independent, liberated women.
I can identify two main reasons for these recurring patterns. One being the patriarchal expectation for women to become mothers. The other being the older generation’s outlook and views on seeking therapy for underlying problems.
In the patriarchy, women are often confined to the role of mothers, which is exactly why eldest daughters are raised to become mothers since childhood. This expectation leads eldest daughters to often mother their siblings and take care of older family members. Girls, in general, are expected to mature quicker, which worsens the lack of sensitivity parents may have when addressing heavy topics with their daughter, as they excuse it with their daughter’s alleged maturity.
Additionally, parents may turn to their eldest daughters to seek comfort in difficult situations, even though it is not the place of their child to therapize them. It often happens that eldest daughters are aware and even expected to help out with familial, marital and also economic issues in the family.
It is true that it’s beneficial and quite frankly beautiful to involve your children in your raw life as a parent, it shows them that you, as a parent, are also a real person with emotions and flaws. But that is exactly where the line should be drawn. Discussing serious topics with your daughter should be primarily to bring you closer together, not to dump your frustrations out on someone who is too young to be able to set boundaries to protect themselves. Ultimately that’s what it comes down to: using your position of power over a young soul who cannot stand up for herself and stop you when it starts to negatively affect them. No daughter should be burdened with problems, negatively affecting her day-to-day life, just for the sake of a parent being able to lighten the emotional load they carry with them. There is a time, place and person for everything, and your daughter should surely not be your 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, at home therapist.
In conclusion, to liberate eldest daughters from their generational curse we must dismantle the patriarchal view that confines women to motherhood and make therapy accessible and encouraged for older generations. It is time to stop using fear to control women and take advantage of them, especially girls and teens.
