Never lose sight of the silver lining

Waking up every morning in the same heavy feeling household is gloomy and draining. The color in my pictures doesn’t really seem to be there anymore; the joys of life just don’t show anymore here. Even when the whole family is in the house, it feels empty. There’s never much laughing that goes on either. The only laughter that is heard is when my parents throw parties, but even these parties are guilt trips. There’s never any good in my household, and it always seems to be because of me. All the anger, unhappiness and disappointment seems to be pointed towards me. It shows by the actions of my stepmother and my father. Sure, every teenager feels like their parents are the worst, but I have two sets of parents, and one is way better than the other.

Since I was six, I’ve lived with my father and stepmother and that is hell on earth. It’s been almost twelve years of dealing with the same routine of arguments, ignorance and disbelief. If my stepmother finds something to yell about, that’s exactly what she does. Even the smallest things can send her into a rage of complaints. If I even breathe the wrong way, she takes it as an attitude that isn’t there. The range of complaints range from something as small as me laughing at the wrong moment to something as big as a “lie” of not completing homework. No matter what I tell them, they see it as a lie. “Mom, can I go to the movies with Kay?”

”Are you really going to the movies with Kay, or are you going to end up somewhere else?” She would say.

”Forget it.” I would tell her.

This woman is truly evil. She no longer is a stepmother, she’s the wicked witch of a wife. The first thing she told me when she came into my life was,”You’re no longer the only woman in your fathers life. You’re nothing.”

It hurt and as a six year old, it cut deep. It was the first bad impression I had of her. There were many more occasions where she had said some pretty nasty things. No one really believed me, I was young, no one ever believes the child. I had to suck up all the negativity and try to continue on about my life. As I got older, the nasty comments continued and some cut deeper than others. My favorite one was that she hated my mother and was beginning to hate me too. Oh boy, did I snap. I told my father I wanted nothing to do with that woman, but as always, she came first. As always, her side was chosen over mine. He defended her swearing that she didn’t mean what she said when she clearly did. Those words are not just something you say to someone you so called “love so much.”

My father turned the other cheek on all the verbal abuse. He always took her side. He always defended her. After all that is his wife. That’s his queen. His whole world. I became such a tiny detail that I am almost invisible. I went from being the light in his sky to a minute bug that can easily be squished and washed away. The man of my life, my world, my back bone, my strength, my super man, slowly became nothing to me. He became dirt, no longer could support me or strengthen me when I needed, he became my kryptonite.

Its a terrible thing for a girl to experience her first heartbreak from her own father. I’ve endured this pain for quite sometime now. It’s become so recurring that I’ve grown numb to it. Every day is going through the motions. Wake up in a gloomy house, leave for school, fake a smile, go to work, fake a smile, come back home to a gloomy house, cry myself to sleep and start the cycle all over again the next day. It’s like I’ve become programmed to do the same thing every day.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And this light is called my mother and stepdad. They are going to be the Prince Charming who rescues me from this castle like jail. After graduation I’m packing all my things, and taking off. I’m closing this book and starting a new one. I’m turning a new leaf and starting over. I’m finally going home. Home is where the heart is and New Jersey is my heart. The love and attention my mother and stepdad give counteracts the hatred and ignorance my father and stepmom give. My mom and stepdad love me so much that it’s overwhelming. I spent a summer with them, and it was the happiest I had ever been.

It was great coming home, from being out running errands to being with friends, to a mother who was willing to sit down and talk about her day with me. Come home to a sister who was happy to see me and spend time with me. Come home to a brother who could never get enough of me. Come home to a stepdad who seemed to love me more than my own father. My stepdad became my new superman. He showed me how dads are supposed to love their daughters. And I’m grateful. My mom is everything a mother should be. She’s loving and compassionate and actually holds me when I cry; she doesn’t act like everything is okay when it clearly isn’t. This is my new beginning. I just can’t wait to watch my story unfold.

What’s done is done. It cannot be undone or erased. But it can be closed and never looked back upon. It shaped who I am as a person and how I treat others, but I will never allow it to blur the view of my future. I will never let the negativity take away my silver lining. My new story is going to be a great one. I haven’t just completed a chapter in my story, I’ve completed a book. And it’s time to move on. It’s time to start a new one with fresh eyes, a new pen, and a new setting.

To be continued…