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Satirical Articles

GOP Senator Describes Storming of the Capitol as “Some People Did Something”

A Texas senator is under fire for minimizing what to everyone with eyes was morally reprehensible by refusing to definitively call out the perpetrators or their goals. As with all issues, this accusation became immediately partisan which, as with all issues led to meaningful hysterics in congress.

In what Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi describes as a valiant attempt at unity in Congress all sessions will now consist of both Republicans and Democrats standing up at the same second, pointing across at each other and screaming in unison “Some people did something” at the exact same moment before immediately breaking for lunch. Congress has awarded itself raises of $100,000.00 annually each for its trouble.

Mitch McConnell is applauding the efforts of congress. “This is a historic day,” he said shortly after this agreement was reached. “Not only has congress found an efficient way of handling the issues plaguing our nation that is equivalently as effective as the status quo, but also, the bipartisan legislation to increase our salaries is the first successful attempt of its kind to show that both sides have shared goals and we are willing to collaborate to that end.”

Nancy Pelosi claimed, “Of note is the fact that under these new protocols, no congressman can be removed for statements such as ‘Some people did something’. This is a win because we protect the safety of the alleged perpetrators who might be minorities with just cause while at the same time protecting the integrity of free speech. How problematic would it be if we could be fired for words that some might interpret incorrectly?”

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