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Satirical Articles

It Turns Out Everyone You’ve Ever Met is Colluding With Ukraine

New technology has allowed us to determine what percentage of the population is colluding with Ukraine. This technology works akin to that which helped us determine herd immunity to coronavirus based on the percentage of people who tested positive for antibodies. Similarly, based on a sampling of US citizens taken mostly from the Washington D.C. region, it turns out that one hundred percent of the people you know are colluding with Ukraine.

This comes as a shock to many who were sure they were colluding with Russia. However, the stats are in and the culprit, although also Russia, is only being named as Ukraine. This has led the majority of Americans to believe that Russia and Ukraine may in fact be the same place.

In light of this news, the Department of Justice will be conducting an investigation into every American to search for signs of collusion. Due to the obvious conflict of interest, the Department of Justice will also be conducting an investigation into itself. Officials have stated that in the probable case that every American is found guilty of collusion, “Everyone will be removed from office and all those not in office will be told to go home”.

Updates to follow.

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