Satirical Articles
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Satirical Articles

Requirements for Being a Politician Include Heavy Emphasis on Learning to Play the Violin

Over the years it has seemed increasingly obvious that just about anyone can wake up one morning and choose to be a politician. Via the advent of social media which has turned everyone into their own reporter and via the cultural consensus that facts are of a relic of our country’s white supremacist past, the functional separation between general citizen and elected official is at an all time low. However, experts have identified one discernible difference that still exists between the general citizen and the elected politician — namely, the politicians’s remarkable talents on the violin.

After significant data analysis, it has been determined that no one in the history of modern civilization has ever played the violin as stubbornly or consistently as today’s politicians. In fact, based on the breadth of violin prowess politicians as a whole demonstrated, researchers expressed surprise the said politicians get anything else done at all.

A lead researcher stated, “The level of skill we are detecting here is consistent with an orchestra that practices 40 hours a day. As there are only 24 hours in a day, it is as if congress is working double-time on their violin technique — a feat that for any other activity and any other group of people is mathematically impossible.”

Congress has declined to comment on the findings of this new research. When physically approached by media crews in Washington D.C., politicians blatantly ignored all questions as they were composing next season’s symphony rumored to be titled Bitch ’n Moan.

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