Guest Columnist Katy Perry: Here’s the problem with Meghan Markle’s wedding dress
Hello I am Katy Perry. Why not. So I guess by now you’ve heard the uproar about that stupid thing I did. No, not that stupid thing. No, not that one. Here it is!! The one where I said that Meghan Markle’s wedding dress didn’t fit well!
Now before you go judging me for my idiotic commentary that no one wanted on a wedding I was never invited to, just, like, hear me out.
Because there is something ominous going on, and I must be the one to blow the whistle if no other celeb will.
I have two words for you that will change the way you think of fashion and celebrity culture.
Fish heads. Or Fishheads? No that looks weird. Fisheads? Nah can’t be. Let’s go with fish heads. Two words.
You see, tiny fish heads are embedded into every haute couture design. Givenchy is no exception. It’s a centuries old tradition that dates back to the Great Fish Invasion of 1808. There were a lot of fish back then, and they tried to kill us all. Um read a history book if you don’t believe me, geez.
This practice is outdated now, yet it persists. We sew fish heads into our gowns and expect them to just take it. But they need room to breathe, otherwise they will perish and call Hades’ wrath upon us.
The fish heads writhe and squirm, but they cannot escape the white, shiny fabric in order to get back to their tender little bodies. But they will never return. For they are part of The Fashion now.
So when I said that Meghan Markle should have had another fitting, I wasn’t actually saying that the dress fit badly. What I was actually saying was that a million tiny little fish heads were trapped in her gown, and she should set them free if she fancies herself any sort of good person at all. Also the gown would have fit much better without the bulk of all those little heads chanting “set us free!” weighing it down.
So when the next problematic thing I say comes to light, just remember the fish heads and ask yourself if maybe there’s another side. A wrong, made-up-on-the-spot side, but another side all the same.
But my album! Subscribe to my podcast! Follow me on Twitter! I’m woke! Say I’m woke! Do you think I’m woke? SAY IT! Want to watch me live my life? Why not? Kiss me! LOLZ OK BYE SWEETIES!!!!
(Katy Perry has been escorted out of the building by security. We apologize for the incident, and for this entire guest column, which is clearly the work of a deeply disturbed mind.)
