The Unusual Path to Emotional and Spiritual Maturity
How falling apart can be the best thing that can happen to you
As I hurtle through my forties, I realize that I have lived long enough now to notice a pattern in the way that life seems to go.
There are times when everything feels like it is in order. Every day, we wake up to the same old drill. We drag ourselves to work, robotically attend to our responsibilities and our chores, and find solace in the mundanity of it all. It feels predictable and safe.
But then life throws a curveball our way. There are moments in a man’s life where everything seems to pivot on a point and change direction all of a sudden, jolting us from the comfortable pattern of our existence and leaving us grappling for a sense of control. We are made redundant from the job we have held onto for decades, or we get sick or injured, or our marriage falls apart, or someone we love passes away unexpectedly.
It could be something less sudden but no less disconcerting: Our busy lives leave us feeling unfulfilled, purposeless, and with an insatiable desire for something…anything!
Whether it be big or small, the feeling of disorder sets in like a gloomy, depressing cloud, and we experience a sense of loss, grief, confusion, and even depression.
Society teaches us all the best coping mechanisms for pain: Just distract yourself and numb it all away! A strong cocktail and a weekend getaway! Who needs to confront their issues when you can buy a new car, or attend a seminar where a stranger will solve all your problems?
But we know deep down that attempting to ignore or suppress suffering only hinders progress and prevents growth.
One could say that similar to how seeds need to struggle through their protective shell, break through tough soil, and strive towards sunlight in order to grow, humans must also face and overcome hardships to experience growth. When we finally reach the end of our struggle and find ourselves in the light again, things are not the same as they were before. There is a re-ordering of what we once knew, and a new normal emerges — one that is more grown up.
Order. Disorder. Re-order.
So where are you at today?
It can be helpful to reflect on the stage of life you’re currently in from time to time. If you are in a time of order, and everything seems to be going smoothly, keep moving forward on your personal journey of growth. Enjoy that sense of order but do not cling to it because it will not and cannot last forever.
But if you find yourself facing a time of disorder, don’t try to escape it. Sit in the classroom of pain until your great teacher — Suffering — has taught you all that it needs to you. If you avoid these lessons, you will never grow.
When you emerge from this challenging phase, know that it’s the Light that brought you through the darkness, giving you strength that you did not know you had, to carry you through. And when the disorder returns, you can trust it will do so again.
This is life’s unvarying pattern for our growth. Perhaps it is God’s great plan to mature us into the men we are supposed to become. You can try to ignore it or avoid it, but life will keep bringing you around to this truth:
Order. Disorder. Reorder.
Over and over again.
The Centre for Men and Families exists to create a safe community for men to connect, learn, be loved, and belong so that they can journey deeper and experience transformation of the heart and bring the gift of who they truly are into the world. Join the community today.
