Quaker Oatmeal Squares
It’s hard to get riled up about the Quaker Oats brand. You know what’s distinctly lacking in sex appeal? A brand whose cornerstone product is the end result of an oat mill. Hot stuff.
And if I wasn’t going soft already, some poor chum was bewitched into thinking that a Quaker would be the optimal mascot for a breakfast cereal. After a skeptically wading through the knowledge pond that is Wikipedia, I learned that this particular mascot was chosen because “the Quaker faith projected the values of honesty, integrity, purity, and strength.” Sign me the fuck up. That’s exactly what I look for in a breakfast cereal. Values!
For this particular cereal in question, Quaker Oat Meal Squares, even the uninspired packaging makes my eyelids heavy. I want my cereal to be deliberately and shamelessly sweet. I want saccharine morsels that leave me with a bowl of sugary milk and tangible feelings of regret afterwards. The last thing I want is for cereal to lecture me on its health benefits:
“46 Whole Grains”
“10g Protein With Milk”
That’s not the kind of talk I want to hear from my breakfast cereal packaging! I don’t want a cereal that helps me watch my waistline, I want one that raises a big middle finger to dietary conventions and lets me escape the ails of this world by diving into a glucose pool packed to the brim with delicious floaties. But alas (and I hate for myself for doing this), I must invoke an old adage: never judge a book by its cover.
If I’m being honest, I have absolutely no idea what it is about Quaker Oatmeal Squares that keeps pulling me back like a fat kid to the Cheesecake Factory. The cereal looks like a bloated Chex rip-off and the flavor is, dare I say, subtle at best, even bordering on savory. The sweetness won’t slap you in the face with a sugary backhand like Frosted Flakes but somehow, the subtlety just…works.
The one thing worth mentioning here is that this cereal actually does embody that good ol’ Quaker strength. These babies are strong. I could soak these bad boys in milk for a whole minute and still get a hearty crunch out of my next bite. It’s weird to like a cereal purely because of its texture but hey, greater men have fallen for worse.
Amidst all the healthy, honest bullshit though, Quaker Oatmeal Squares are undoubtedly addicting and I always keep a box in my apartment. Are strong Christian values the secret to a stellar cereal? Is the Protestant faith the new breakfast gospel?
Whatever it is, I can’t effectively explain what draws me to this cereal but fuck it. I like it and that’s all that matters. If you’re one of those bizarre individuals who likes to watch calories or go on diets, I think you’ll like it too.
Cereal Killer Verdict: 8/10
