Your growth measurement stick is broken
In the mid 1950s, a young unmarried housemaid gave birth to a girl in rural Mississippi. It wasn’t long until the baby’s father abandoned the household. The teenager, now a single mother, left her daughter with her own mother in Mississippi to look for better work up north.
The young girl would spend her early years under the strict watch of her maternal grandmother. On a good day, the girl’s grandmother would teach her to read the family Bible. On a bad day, she would beat her with a stick. Some Sundays she would get up to read in front of their church; afterward they would all gather, calling her gifted and beautiful, and her grandmother would look proud.
The two had a roof over their heads, and they had each other, but not much else. In later years, she could remember a breezy afternoon spent watching her grandmother hang clothes on a wire; their feet bare in the grass, her tired wrinkled hands fastened starch-clean sheets to dry. Her grandmother — who worked hard all her life as a housemaid to take care of her daughter — looked down at her and said “you better watch me, ’cause one day you’re gonna have to learn to do this for yourself.”
Unable to afford even the most basic clothing, she wore dresses made from potato sacks. Other girls in town would laugh and call her “Sack Girl”.
At age six, the little girl moved with her mother to an inner-city neighbourhood in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Her mother struggled everyday to make ends meet, working overtime and out of town.
From here, things went from bad to worse. The little girl was molested. The devastating abuse came first from her cousin, and then her other relatives and close family friends, and it lasted for years.
At 13, she ran away from home and wound up at a juvenile detention centre. At 14, she gave birth to a premature baby who died in the hospital. She was at the lowest point in her life with no hope in sight.
But her life turned around in high-school. The gifted girl from the Mississippi church excelled in both academics and extracurricular activities, even landing herself on the school honour roll. Eventually, she would go on to build her own empire as a media proprietor, talk show host, actress, producer, and philanthropist. To some people, she is the “Queen of Media,” to others, she is regarded as one of the most influential women in the world.
Today, you may know this little girl from rural Mississippi as Oprah Winfrey. Chances are, you may even be surprised to know that this is her story. Many people do not realize that behind all her shining success, there is a story of immense struggle and pain.
It is often the case that people are unaware of the amount of hard work and perseverance that lead up to the coveted moment of success and recognition. Often times, we take people’s success at face value. Even more often, we compare their success to our own achievements. It is ingrained in our culture. Whether you are comparing yourself to celebrities or your friends, it is not a sustainable long term habit to set unrealistic expectations for yourself.
It’s the equivalent to lifestyle inflation, because you end up seeking more and more validation from society; you become shackled to the opinion of others.
Us humans are excellent at drawing comparisons; whether you’re comparing two brands of shampoo or two different people, it’s a natural tendency that we are often completely unaware of.
I see similarities like this all the time with entrepreneurs. Within the startup world, the default scorecard counts how many rounds of financing you raise, or how many employees you’ve got. This becomes a easy way for people to compare to each other. It’s funny that people tend not to talk about revenue or profitability, which is a more realistic indicator of a sustainable business.
Unfortunately, comparisons like this do not scale well as you grow. It’s the equivalent to lifestyle inflation, because you end up seeking more and more validation from society; you become shackled to the opinion of others.
When you measure yourself against others, you end up comparing your struggles to their highlight reels, but what nobody tells you is that everyone struggles. Some may even struggle more than you — as is the case with Oprah Winfrey.
Our society encourages a strong exterior. We all have poker faces in order demonstrate a higher confidence level; we are even told to fake it until we make it. However, when everyone puts on a deceptive layer, it becomes harder and harder for anyone to truly understand one another. Social media has fuelled this. You can see all the wonderful, amazing things your friends are up to on Facebook, Instagram, or any other of a dozen social networks, where select moments are captured and filtered to share with others.
Society glorifies successes and dismisses failures.
In the case of Oprah, you may just see the final success rather than the entire story. Or you may see that little girl in Mississippi, sitting in the grass watching her grandma hang clothes on a wire. In either viewpoint, you’re only seeing a fragment of her life, distilled and filtered through the knowledge of her success. While it can be powerful to think about where she began and where she is now, it won’t help to measure your personal growth against another.
Your only measurement should be your past self. It’s good to admire others but to compare yourself to them puts you at a disadvantage because you are seeking their approval. You will question the gaps and your inability to reach them. This is not easy to do and requires massive internalization of this concept. Focus on being the best version of yourself. Listen for feedback and learn from others, but chart your own course. Think for yourself. Act for yourself. Take time to reflect and adjust your course so you do not end up being someone you are not.
This piece is the first in a series on mental wellness. I believe it’s an issue that plagues everyone especially entrepreneurs. We’re better off having a discussion about it rather than seeing it as a taboo subject.
Thanks to Kevin L, Ryan McKay-Fleming and Veronica Howell for reading drafts of this.
