Of Caterpillars & Butterflies

A slam piece

C. Duhnne
C. Duhnne
Aug 23, 2017 · 2 min read

I throw out “I’ve met someone”s
like it’s tattooed on my tongue
engraved upon my lips.
he says, “oh, again?”
in that Aubrey Plaza way
that exhibits dry wit,
while he’s swiping
left, right, left, right, up up down
circle circle square, left.
i have to wonder what sort of person
needs to break themselves down
just to feel wanted.
i wonder, because, really…
aren’t relationships just a form
of masochism?
aren’t we all just trying to love
others the way
we should be loving ourselves?
i don’t know how to be the girl who
“plays it cool”, and honestly?
i don’t see the appeal.
am i supposed to be sweet, like a popsicle?
(or because it’s Shanghai,
overpriced Haagen Dazs?)
do i regress back to my Disney Princess Age,
become Elsa? cause i can let it go.
believe me. i’m practiced
in the ways of these
shanghai streets, in these
shanghai sheets.
but i’m tired of letting go.
why don’t we say what we mean
and do what we say?
see, broken promises don’t destroy people,
people do.
i want more
than the boys i’ve let caterpillar in.
i’m sick
of being the cocoon of reason,
the female version of good luck chuck,
toss away at will because fuck self respect
i’ve got empowerment,
but feel loss anyway. i’ve lost.
i trip over myself backwards to get out
when the going is good because
i’m transient and transparent
incapable of being anything but
some redacted form of love and art
inconstantly reaching
constantly flailing.
i’ve learnt my lessons these four years
and so now, when i say “i’ve met someone”,
it’s to the eye roll in the mirror.
cynical grown up to sarcastic teenager;
hardened by the world from knowing
that we are all the same. this is just a game.
and winnings not committing.
it’s knowing
who you are when all that’s left are
the unanswered texts and awkward run-ins.


This poem was originally published on 30 June 2016 at Deviant Art.

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Thanks to Kathy Jacobs

C. Duhnne

Written by

C. Duhnne

Just expanding my universe.

Chalkboard

The home of asynchronous collaboration. Write with us!

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