Edna pressed her palms against the cubicle wall. Just for balance, she told herself, but it was more to hold her down on the seat. Some kind of explosion was happening beneath her pants, and it wasn’t pretty.

She groaned, taking a quick break to wipe her brow with a clean square of toilet paper. In accordance with the prophesy, something was squirming inside her guts, trying to get out. She massaged her tummy gently, urging it to action. Another release rocked her sideways on the seat and she pressed her hands to the walls again. This eruption was beyond anything she had experienced in her 82 years. Lava trickled slowly down her butt crack, leaving devastation in its wake.

‘Gaaaaaaaaahhh it HURTS!’

‘Errrrrrr…you okay in there?’ It was the man in the next cubicle.

Edna flushed with embarrassment, regretting that she had given herself away by exclaiming in her obviously female voice. She also regretted putting eight chilli peppers into last night’s stir-fry and proceeding to eat the whole lot despite its relentless burn on the way down. She didn’t, however, regret her decision to make the emergency lunge for the men’s room. Had she hesitated a second longer, that meal would have erupted in her best white slacks.

In a deep voice, Edna told the man that she was fine. He chuckled, and began to sing ‘Ring of Fire’.

Edna was fuming — quite literally from her anus, but also with indignation. How dare this young whippersnapper mock her gastrointestinal troubles! ‘I’ll have you know that I do not find your allusions funny, young man.’ She grabbed a handful of toilet paper and began gingerly wiping away the mess.

‘Do you smell something funky?’ Her neighbour chuckled again. Edna was not impressed. She grabbed at another handful of tissue and yanked.

The cardboard core released the last few sheets and rattled emptily on its mount. He must’ve heard that, too, and Edna waited for the smug chuckle. Instead, a hand reached down beneath the cubicle wall and offered some toilet tissue.

Thank you, Zev, for being editor on this one. I look forward to more stories and more fun over the coming weeks!

This story is part of Chalkboard’s “Let me edit that for you project”. Learn more here:

 Zev, Christina von Siebenbürgen

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