Confessions of a Founder: Growing a Startup, With Anxiety Disorder

Here at Challenging Challenges, we want to give everyone the chance to tell their story. However, we appreciate that sometimes it’s not easy for people to write about mental health and be transparent.

This next article is from a dear founder friend of ours, who has chosen to stay anonymous, as sadly, there are a lot of investors who will not invest into companies where there are mental health issues (past or present). Here is their story about being a founder and having anxiety.

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“What if?”

These are two of the most amazing and important words in my vocabulary.

If you had asked me 15 years ago what I thought about these words, I’d have thrown a mini-tantrum and claimed they were the worst words to ever exist. These two words alone, instilled so much fear, uncertainty and dread that my generalised anxiety disorder and panic disorder became a crippling and never-ending nightmare.

I would be unable to socialise, engage in meaningful conversations, or even get out of bed to work. I had hit rock bottom, and as it turns out this was the beginning of an eating disorder.

Anxiety, like anything else, is dangerous in the wrong form and wrong dose. It’s more than just having a bad day. It causes you to think in the most unimaginable ways and envisage frightening fates that “might” befall you — to the point of consuming you. Your brain will spend hours thinking “what if” this happens? And what subsequent actions you would need to take in order to reshape your “destiny.”

It’s tiring as fuck, feeling like everything will kill you.

It’s a Lonely World…

Now, before I go ahead, I need you to know that I’m not a qualified professional but the founder of a tech startup. This is simply my experience and opinion, one that I feel is secretly shared amongst many founders/entrepreneurs, but ultimately swept under the proverbial rug.

In our line of work, you’d be hard pressed to find a founder that hasn’t had feelings of anxiety, stress and mental insecurities. Like in many other creative industries, founders have a much higher representation of mental health concerns. It’s almost what makes us tick, and at times what actually keeps us going.

I think successful founders are the ones that take their anxiety and an insatiable curiosity and use it to actively solve new or impending problems. It’s this unusual wiring of their brains and ability to think outside the box and challenge the norm, that gets them that one step closer to success. It’s what we’re constantly thinking about…

My Journey as a Founder

You’re probably aware that anxiety usually has a dark accomplice — depression. He appears in mysterious ways; sometimes as an unstoppable force that leaves you paralyzed and at other times its fleeting thought of self-doubt at the times where you need the most confidence. This was the case for me.

Looking back on it all, I feel as though my depression and anxiety had been preparing me for over a decade, for the founder’s’ journey I was about to embark on. Don’t get me wrong, the founder journey can be long, hard, exposing and confronting but it’s nothing in comparison to the struggles that your mind can put you through and the struggles that you have already overcome.

If you would only have the courage to ask yourself “what if?” And don’t get me wrong, it takes courage, vulnerability and real strength to ask yourself a question so shrouded in mystery.

Those Two Magic Words

For me, asking “what if” allows me to see what others don’t. It’s a question that prompts another and another and another. And it’s my lateral thinking and problem-solving skills that are my greatest assets as a founder. I’d almost go as far as to say that this level of thinking is what makes a good founder, and makes him or her great. It also creates a level of resilience, unmatched by “normal” life.

The difference in success is becoming emotionally aware and knowing how to channel your bad thoughts and turn them into something productive. For me, it’s working hard when I’m “on” and taking care of my physical health when I’m not. It also helps that I work from home with a cute puppy to play with, and co-founders to relieve my stress (although they aren’t at my every beck and call).

If you’ve stayed with me all the way, you’ll have noticed that I’ve never mentioned my name or the company that I founded. I’m sad to say that I’ve written this anonymously because of the stigma that mental health denotes. It makes me angry and frustrated (and a little embarrassed) that I still feel the need to cover it up but as more and more of us shed light on the mental health of the founders in our lives, we can start to solve a big problem within our community.

Don’t worry, I will reveal my identity very soon. Stay tuned for part II of my journey, where I’ll bring my team along with me…