Slow Ride into the Headwind
It was a rainy day, I just attended my daily German class and was on my way back home. I hate cycling in the rain. As I value fashion over function, I usually end up with wet face, wet clothes. Wet… everything. As I cycled through Tempelhofer Feld, I realized that I was riding in a headwind. The silly part of me just pushed through but the headwind was so strong that I literally stopped. I got off of my bike and slammed it on the ground. I felt like the universe was against me. It was just bad a day. It was October 2015, I was unemployed, was a newbie in the world of “der, die, das” and obviously emotionally on edge. And on top of that the universe was telling me that I couldn’t accelerate it, that I had to go through this stupid day… slowly.
Only with hindsight have I realised that, that particular day illustrated pretty well how I slowly find myself physically and mentally exhausted two years later. Totally burned out.
Ignoring the Warning Signs
I am one of these people whose brain is always “on”. I need a lot of mental stimulation and usually like to let off some steam through sport, dancing or singing. In short, I am always active in some way. During summer 2017, I was going through a rough transition: I had to change flat, job and I was worried about my mother, who had to go through a delicate back surgery. All of that in the same month! I did not know where to start and was overstressed. The stress came from the actual situation but mostly a great fear to lose control. This is when my body started to show some serious signs of weakness: dry eyes, persistent sore throat and ear infection.
Despite all the warning signs, I pushed through, found a flat and flew to Paris to visit my mother at the hospital. Once back in Berlin, I remembered sitting on my couch and sobbing for an hour. It felt so good. What I haven’t realized is that during all those months I became a zombie. I wasn’t feeling anything. I was numb.
I was not attending any of my dance courses anymore, I was not singing anymore but I thought that it was just a difficult transition. I only realized how exhausted I was when my friend said: “I think you are really depressed, you should really see someone.” I knew she was right and I was ready to work with someone to understand how I got there and how I can prevent it from happening again.
So I found myself a good therapist and gave myself a “break”, so roughly a week. Superficially rested, I decided to go to my usual late run with a good friend of mine. After 30 minutes my body was screaming… I was in so much pain, my body was exhausted. I was exhausted physically but also mentally and I had to accept that it would probably take me months maybe years to recover.
The Truth Will Set you Free
Moving in a flat with a great flatmate and beautiful neighborhood gave me this fresh breeze I terribly needed. Although, I was still in a toxic work environment and under the management of people whose ethics was questionable. Ironically, I was so exhausted mentally and physically that I felt stuck. At least, that’s what I told myself at that time. I remember my therapist telling me that I had a role to play in that whole situation… Really! Me?!
The truth is I felt stuck but I was not. I was just used to it. I was just used to semi-competent bosses, chaotic work environment, overwhelming work expectations. The truth is, I wasn’t a victim but this version of the story was easier for me to swallow. The truth is, I did not believe that I deserve to work somewhere better. If I were to join a company that I like with a great work environment, great colleagues, would it then mean then maybe I am not as bad as what I thought? That my contribution was valuable? Or that event my voice could have an impact in the company?
Caring is Loving
Today, I can say that I probably recover at 90–95% and also I live and work with people that I appreciate. I am slowly learning to enjoy peaceful moments and routines. What change for me is the decision to take care of myself and claim ownership and responsibility over my well-being and feelings. Earlier this year, I wrote this text on my “digital journal”:
“I embarked myself on a new journey. A really exciting, challenging and rewarding one: Self-love. When I mentioned it to my friends they almost all told me: “ But I think you are already taking good care of yourself.” So was I being too harsh on myself and being totally obsessive about it? What they did not know is that over the last years I struggled with episodes of depression. I became so accustomed to its presence that I almost thought it was part of my personality. A certain kind of melancholy. Well, I think it has been with me since my childhood.
I thought that it was something that it could be beaten with high performance at work, running, coconut hair masks, self-help books and Youtube videos or dancing classes. But when everything fell apart I realized none of those things worked.
Self love is a decision. It’s a decision to commit to oneself and make this person the most important one in the world. Is to make sure that the relationship with that person is healthy. It’s making sure this person can express herself fully.”
I fell back on my knees several times after writing this and expect to stumble again during the months and years to come. Many of my actions were triggered by insecurities and false beliefs. The most persistent one being “I’m not good enough”. And because I did not feel good enough, I felt the constant urge to overcompensate and fell into self-optimization and overachievement trap. The journey is not easy and I am still baby-stepping. But I know that when the next headwind hits me, I will be better equipped and will have the possibility to change my trajectory.
