Thinking About Me

Self-reflection is a lifelong journey for me, but thankfully it is something I quite enjoy doing. Learning who I am and what enjoy doing is just scraping the surface.

I like to know why I do or think the things that I do and react in the way that I do. Not all of us are equipped to take this journey alone and that is why I find the experience of self-reflection to be a difficult one. I am already quite introverted, so most times I’m alone with my thoughts. This may appear to be the best time for me to self-reflect, but I know now, long periods of solitude when self-reflecting just ain’t it.

Perspective — Tip the Scale

Solitude doesn’t allow me to see other’s perspectives. For some, they carry the “woe is me” narrative when sitting alone to lament on the days past, for others they tend to beat themselves up over situations that are beyond their control. Not knowing or being able to figure out that a situation is not in my control and never was is something I can only come to realise when I am given another perspective. Naturally, a different perspective only comes from another mind. I could always fabricate one, but that comes with experience or the expertise in a situation. I can fully admit that I have neither the necessary experience or the expertise to see all sides to every new situation that I face. But when I open up to others, I discover that they have at least one more perspective for me to explore.

Being Alone

Many people enjoy being alone, much like myself. I like it because it allows me to think freely and my mind to go to places without interruptions. I can think about myself with or without judgement — mostly with great judgement of myself — but at least my thoughts have options. I make decisions about who and what I am or who I want to be when I am alone with my thoughts, but sometimes those thoughts of mine can have no direction but down, and I suffer through days where I truly believe that I have no worth. Those are the days that I need people — people to agree and disagree with and remind me that I am not alone. Opinions far from my own are necessary for me to know what I personally agree or disagree with.

Gossip, Girl

The reason I go along with gossip is that I learn a lot about myself when I do. Learning the ugly parts of me and what I consciously and unconsciously pass judgement on, and the parts of me that may choose not pass judgement because I am able to draw parallels with myself and my actions from what I gossip about. We’re all taught gossiping is bad so I do feel terrible when I do it. Maybe that is why I find it easier to talk about what celebrities are going through rather than what those close to me are. The idea of gossip has negative connotations, but that is because the point of it is to talk and reflect about the negative aspects of someone’s current situation or choices.

Real-Time Reflection

Sometimes when I listen to myself I think “what an idiot”. While I’m speaking I’m thinking “What are you even saying?” or “You sound so stupid.” I’m still training myself to be quicker at realising that I am wrong sometimes and owning up to it, but sometimes I realise much too late — but it’s never too late to gain some wisdom about myself. I’ve come to understand that sometimes I need to look back at painful or happy memories to connect the dots, then continue to follow the journey with more caution. That’s not to say I’ll talk less, it just means I should listen to myself more — and the only way to do that is to actually talk.

Talk About Me

I’ve found that when I’m speaking with someone who’s confidently directing the conversation, I don’t have to feel like they are even listening to me, because I am hearing myself. There have been times I’ve described a past personal experience with indifference just to see my listener with shock and horror on their face. In those moments, I can tell I’m still not sure how to react to what I’m saying, but seeing their reaction certainly gives me some idea. I get the opportunity to see my experience from another’s point-of-view and it’s not always indifferent or pretty.

I Know Myself

The idea that no one knows me better than myself has become truer, the older and wiser I get. I don’t always have positive traits, or see myself as righteous. There are times that my past experiences haven’t made sense to me, but I’ve found that when the time comes, they do. It is wholly impossible to be born into a world with the complete knowledge of yourself. I, like many others, have had to live through the good and bad times to learn about myself, especially what my mind can and cannot tolerate.

Some dark childhood memories have only come to make sense to me as I’ve gotten older and gained more knowledge about the world and people in general. The terrible things that I have witnessed as a child have directly infected my adult life, but I can only say that now I know what I went through, although not uncommon, was terrible on any scale and without feeling like a child victim, I can offer that child some comfort — in the form of therapy, friendly conversation, or simply understanding.

Purge — I Hurt People

Hurt people, hurt people, right? I surely know there have been times I have opted for a more negative and harmful outcome because that was the space I was in. I remember speaking with a close friend and realising I was giving everything we were talking about a negative spin. In fact, I was giving their opinions and experiences a negative spin and it did not make me feel better. It made me feel even worse that the only things that came to mind to say to my friend were negative.

The moment I realised that was what I was doing, I began to give out disclaimers because I also realised it was something that’s not easy for me to manage, and rather than missing out on speaking with a friend I would rather they know (and I know that I know that they know) — so when they do correct my bad behaviour it’ll be both quick and painless for the both of us.

Self-Reflect

Learning myself is not all roses. Most of my self-realisations result in some major anxiety attack or some painful walk down memory lane, but it has always ended well. Soon after I have the understanding and knowledge I’m able to begin my journey of healing, forgiveness (of myself or others), and most importantly, letting go. With or without being aware, fewer things bother me or put me in a negative space — and as I get older with more to self-reflect on, I find that I’m far more tolerant or avoidant of things that would have once caused me mental harm and tipped me over the edge.