3 Little Words That Do More Damage Than Good
Just don’t use them.
Words carry psychological baggage.
We can do more damage than good if we’re not thoughtful about when and how to use them. And in some cases, a word needs to sit out all together. With so many words available, it’s time to make space for more scrupulous expressions of our thoughts and feelings.
Yes. There’s the derogatory, sexist, racist words that incite hate and ignorance. But those aren’t the words I’m talking about. I’m talking about the seemingly harmless words that passively brainwash us into unhealthy perceptions of ourselves and others.
It’s time to stop assuming that just because a word is commonplace or small in stature that it doesn’t pack a punch. To illustrate my point, here are the top three words I’ve worked to eliminate from my vocabulary, and why.
EASY
It was my first year as a classroom teacher. Excited to create a positive learning community, I was quick to pick up on a subtle form of emotional aggression from a student.
Pausing at the end of my lesson, a lone voice would call out from the carpet. “That’s so easy,” at which point there’d be a moment of silence before a chorus of hesitant voices echoed, “Yeah. I already knew that too.”
Scanning the eyes of my students, I saw their uncertainty, their sense of inadequacy and embarrassment. Out of my class of 18 students, 17 of them feared they’d appear stupid because they didn’t already know what I hadn’t taught them yet.
That was the year I banned the word easy from my classroom. Eventually it also faded from my conversations at home.
Easy, isn’t an absolute statement about how difficult something is to accomplish, or how adept an individual is in a certain skill. At worst, easy is a fixed mindset that limits growth. At best, it’s a phase that someone moves through in the learning process.
In either scenario, easy is not a destination.
FINE
I was young when I learned how to lob this grenade into the middle of a conversation. By the time I was in my early 20's, living with my partner, I’d become an expert.
“How are you?” My unsuspecting partner would ask.
“Fine.” No eye contact. No inflection in my voice. Just silence as we both waited for the inevitable explosion.
Obviously I wasn’t fine. He knew it. I knew it. The squirrel outside knew it! But this was how I had learned to set boundaries.
I had it in my head that being a good partner meant providing my significant other with everything s/he wanted or needed, without ever asking for anything in return. The premise being, “if s/he loves me, s/he will reciprocate on his/her own schedule.”
Fine, as I used it, didn’t mean all was well. F.I.N.E. meant, “I’m feeling F’d-up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.” (Thanks Aerosmith)
I’d like to say that I never succumb to this form of passive aggressive communication anymore, but that would be a lie. I still catch myself in those old patterns. Thankfully, more often than not, I’m also able to recognize when I’m using the Aerosmith acronym and make efforts to communicate more clearly.
What can I say, old habits die hard… I’m a work in progress!
NEVER
If you’ve read this article of mine, you’ll know just how much trouble this little word has gotten me into. In a world that offers no absolutes, never (and it’s big sister always) have no place in my vocabulary.
Not only has vowing to never do something had me eating my words, I now recognize it as the trademark of my formerly rigid mindset.
It’s easy to want to gain control of our circumstances. I know! Uncertainty was a common thread throughout my childhood and young adulthood. Absolutes made me feel safe.
But if I’ve learned anything in these nearly 40 years on Earth, it’s that there’s no absolutes.
Using a word like never may seem trivial; a matter of semantics. But the truth is, the words we use are a reflection of our thought process.
I didn’t necessarily need a pandemic to remind me that never and always are inherently flawed ways of thinking, but it certainly reinforced the idea and hammered home the concept of impermanence.
The phrase, “The only constant in life is change” may have it’s problems (that word only flies in the face of my argument here) but in truth, it’s probably the closest thing to an honest statement that I can point to.
Never isn’t a word that accurately depicts the reality of our human existence. When used in excess, we can paint ourselves into a corner, feeling resolute in clinging to our beliefs out of shear stubbornness and ego.
In conclusion
As a writer, I do my best to make every word count. That means I spend a lot of time considering semantics. But calculated word choice isn’t just for those of us who love playing with language.
Words have powerful consequences, regardless of who’s wielding them. They can evoke action, pain, jubilation, or memory. They can hone in on the smallest of details, or envelop the vastness of space.
With the ability to make such a profound impact, it’s worth being intentional about our word choice. You may not choose to omit words like fine, never, always, or easy, but at the very least, it’s worth reflecting on the more subtle messages our words carry, and how it impacts our engagement with the world around us.
Our world is overrun by reactionary speech and rigid statements, that allow for little respectful conversation or growth. Let’s put our effort into more thoughtful word choices.
Hi there! I’m Anon, writer, educator, wife, mom, expat, adoptee, and so much more. I write about creativity, family life, mental health, and the love between a woman and food, among other things.
If you want to stay up to date with my latest posts, here and on my blog, subscribe Thanks so much for your support. ~ Anon
