7 Foundational Relationship Tools
Like houses, relationships need scaffolding to be built, maintained or repaired…
Do you have in place what’s required to provide the support necessary to prevent your current or next relationship from falling apart? It doesn’t matter how perfect the “building” is when it’s first created, at some point, it’ll need some TLC for it to not fall into disrepair. Here are a few tools that will work to embrace your relationship and give space for investigation and attention where and when it’s needed.
- Understanding the trauma/trigger cycle that’s within everyone. “If you’re reacting, it’s you. If it informs you, it’s them.” That sentence can be a bitter pill to swallow but it’s helpful nonetheless. If you aren’t aware of your triggers, to start, make a list of say ten things that you feel have significantly shaped your childhood. They are clues to your raw spots in the present. Read the book “Hold Me Tight” for more on that.
- Relationship check-ins. I call them “Sandpit sessions” because they are a space for exploration, play, and provide a soft landing should anyone fall over. This article explains them very well. For me, just knowing there was a time dedicated to discussing how things in the relationship were going was game-changing. It made this ex-avoidant feel safe.
- Non-triggering sentences. Ones that start with “I feel…” or “Something is coming up for me…” and end with, “which means I can’t be as present with you as I’d like”. More on this here.
- The metaphorical table. Imagine there’s a table between you and whomever you’re talking to. Your ONLY responsibility is how you put words onto the table. If you do so constructively (see point above), and they take umbrage it’s because they’ve been triggered.
- Cold showers. Not, necessarily for cooling down if things get heated but they could/do work for that. I mention them because it's a shock when we step into cold water. Shock often equals a sharp intake of breath. The same thing happens when we get triggered/anxious. Practising breathing through our noses to gain composure in extreme conditions is like going to the emotional gym. And stronger emotional flexibility pays dividends if the ground gets shaky.
- Know thyself. Do you know your Love languages, erotic blueprint, and attachment style(s)? If not, Google them and get to know yourself a bit more. If you don’t know, how is your partner meant to?
- ICE “toolbox”. If a person is triggered they move into reacting not choosing to act. Regulating our nervous systems becomes priority one. Knowing what we need (our In Case of Emergency toolbox) and being able to say/take it: space, have a hug, do some breathing, exercise etc creates a feeling of confidence and ultimately safety for whoever is around us.
- Bonus tool — Meditation. It affects everything in life and enables “choice gap” extension — our ability to choose our action instead of reacting. If you can’t seem to get into it remember it’s about frequency not depth initially. A daily one-minute meditation is better than nothing.
These support structures are about being able to hold oneself and have emotional flexibility. Flexible things bend during storms. Stiff things break. It’s a binary choice ultimately. With practise and a decision to take responsibility for what happens inside our bodies we start a conversation with ourselves. This, in turn, reconstructs our relationships, not only with our romantic partner(s) but with friends, family and life itself.
Let me know how you get on and, as always, thanks for reading.
With gratitude,
Adam (Follow me on IG @thevulnerabilityguy for more)
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Adam Slawson is a Transformational Coach, CEO, Author, Facilitator and Speaker. He: has guided Lululemon’s team in Transformational Inner Leadership, hosts the “Vulnerability In The City” radio show, facilitates workshops at multiple festivals inc. Boomtown and is regularly published in “Change Becomes You” writing about dating, relationships and emotional well-being. He believes “Our vulnerability is the catalyst to our freedom” and founded Plight Club clothing (www.plightclub.co.uk) to encourage this conversation. With over 22 years of experience, he coaches those who’d like to master their vulnerability to overcome anxiety, transform their relationships and gain magnetic confidence to attract the life that was meant for them instead of accepting the one they’ve been given.
His mission is to redefine vulnerability till it’s seen as the courageous act it is. His talks and offerings help people learn the language of emotions.
For more tools on tips to become better at expressing your emotions download his free e-guide here and/or visit his website here.
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Scaffolding Photo by Jackson Allan on Unsplash
