Expressing Your Needs Is Vital. Here’s Why…
You might be living a life meant for someone else.
Imagine this: you’re sitting on the sofa, deep in conversation with your partner or at work, and you have something important to say. It could be a feeling, a need, an opinion, or simply a firm “No.” But as much as you want to speak up, you find yourself hesitating. A lump forms in your throat, and your stomach starts to twist into knots.
“What if I upset them?”
“What if I’m wrong?”
“What if I make a mistake?”
“What will they think of me?”
Sweat begins to form. The lump grows, and the pressure builds. You either stay silent, nodding and smiling politely, or you manage to say something — only for it to spill out in a rush of words, trying to justify yourself. And suddenly, you realise you’re still talking, unsure if you’ve made your point.
When the words finally stop, it feels like nothing has changed. You think you’ve expressed your needs or desires, but the other person doesn’t seem to have really heard you — or taken “no” for an answer.
But did you truly convey how you felt, or was it so watered down that it barely registered, tepid, like as a cup of tea mostly made with milk?
Sound familiar?
What happened here is that fear took over when something didn’t go your way. And as a result, you end up with a version of reality that feels wrong, one that doesn’t fit who you are.
So why do we let this happen? (I was stuck in this cycle for years!)
One likely reason, based on my work with clients, is that you’re experiencing the effects of parental or societal conditioning. For example, when you were five, maybe you expressed your needs or feelings, only to be met with rejection or abandonment. Your young mind took that as a threat to your survival, so you learned that staying quiet was safer — it kept you loved and accepted. And ever since, you’ve been following that same pattern.
Fast forward to today, and each time you have an opportunity to speak your truth, that old conditioned response kicks in. The fight-or-flight instinct tightens your throat, knots your stomach, and makes you sweat, guiding you back to the safety of silence.
I’ve been there — big time! I know how easy it is to keep choosing what feels safe because your body is practically screaming at you to do so.
But here’s the thing: that reaction made sense when you were five.
That one incident set the stage for a lifetime of holding back and not expressing your needs confidently. Every time you’ve stayed quiet since then (up until now, hopefully) has reinforced that belief, building a life on shaky foundations created by your five-year-old self.
Food for thought, right?
To start creating a life that truly aligns with who you are, it’s crucial to learn how to distinguish between a protective response from childhood and a real, present-day threat. Unless there’s a snarling lion on the sofa with you, it’s probably the former.
If you want to learn tools and tips to strengthen this ability, watch my free “How To Face + Embrace Emotions Talk” that I did at Happy Place Festival and Boomtown. You can watch it here.
Freedom awaits.
As always, thanks for reading,
Adam
Photo by Franco Antonio Giovanella on Unsplash
