Friends on Fire

Reduce the toxicity in your life.

Several years ago, my family was in the middle of a toxic relationship with a relative. This relative was drowning under a history of addiction, serious health problems, and a long line of bad decisions. We did quite a lot to get this person help to return to some sense of normalcy, but it seemed that the more help we gave, the worse the problems got. Then my family realized that we needed to begin distancing ourselves from this relative because the situation would only lead to us being tapped dry emotionally and financially.

Sometimes toxic people use family history to guilt others into enabling their bad decisions, and this is the situation we were in with our own toxic family member. Guilt plays a large factor in helping toxic people because they understand (sometimes more than we do) how much we base our decisions on the emotion of guilt.

Thoughts on Selfishness

As we get older, we grow up believing that being selfish is a bad trait. For some of us more compassionate people, we tend to get taken advantage of more often. We view selfishness as a bad thing, and it eventually comes back to bite us by people more selfish than us. Sometimes toxic people (and non-toxic people who are simply takers) will ask us to stop being selfish so that we help them fulfill their very selfish desires.

To me, selfishness is neither good nor bad. Selfishness is just a state of being that is temporary, like being asleep or being awake or being hungry or being angry. Selfishness is a selective and temporary state of being without judgment. The idea is to use selfishness selectively to achieve your own goals. I would never characterize myself as being an angry or awake or hungry person because those behaviors are circumstantial. Sometimes I’m angry, sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I feel hungry, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I wake up. Sometimes I’m selfish, and sometimes I’m not.

Think about it. You are already selective with lots of things in your life. You selectively choose your friends. You are selective with your entertainment choices. You are selective with your food, with your clothes, with many decisions in your life. Why can’t you also be selective in when you choose to be selfish?

Friends on Fire

A few years ago, a student of mine asked me an interesting question: if a close friend continued to make bad decisions, would I help save them or would I let them burn?

I told the student that the simple act of even asking this kind of question is good in and of itself. The desire to “help save them” showed that my student was compassionate, willing to help someone other than himself. The desire to “let them burn” showed that my student understood the concept of personal responsibility. So I commended my student for asking such a good question in the first place.

Here’s the solution to take with friends who are on fire. Unless you were the one who ignited the flame, you hold no responsibility for the damage done. Your life belongs to you, and your choices are your own. The toxic people in your life make their own choices for their own lives. You are not responsible for anyone else’s life, especially if that person is an adult. (You are, however, responsible for your own children. Keep that in mind if you are a parent.)

Don’t get me wrong. I am in favor of helping others. Helping other people is a good thing. I’m a chronic rescuer. I have a tendency to step in and rescue people from bad situations. However (and this is important), I choose to rescue someone only if I have the time, energy, and resources to spare. The reason is because if I step in for a rescue without having the adequate time or energy or resources, then I’ll end up with two sets of problems on my hands: my friend’s problem and my own.

Fine Tune Your Relationships

Keep in mind that you can “fine tune your friendships” but you cannot “fine tune your friends.” The reason is because you cannot manage or control another person. You can only manage or adjust your relationship with that person.

There is an old adage which states that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. If one of those people you spend the most time with is a toxic person, imagine how much of an impact that toxicity is having on your life.

You are the center of your own life. But that doesn’t mean you abandon everyone else. You have to come first in your own life. Sometimes that means other people’s emergencies just don’t get dealt with right away.

Remember this: By always putting other people first in your life, you are teaching them that you come last in your own life.

Let me repeat that a bit clearer.

By putting other people first, you are teaching them that YOU come last.

Reduce the Toxicity in Your Life.

Reducing the toxicity in your life means removing (or drastically limiting) the effects that toxic people have on you. This does NOT mean to go through your relationships and start eliminating people haphazardly. It is not about pointing fingers or getting rid of difficult people completely. Some people can often be difficult to interact with and still remain in your life. This lesson is not necessarily about those people. Instead, this lesson is about the extreme end of the toxic spectrum, those people who cause more harm than good in your life.

The way you do this is by reducing the amount of time and money and emotional energy you spend on the following types of people:

• People who refuse to let go of the addictions that are killing them.
• People who thrive on negative conversations.
• People who continue to make damaging decisions that affect others around them.
• People who refuse to let go of dangerous prejudiced thinking.
• People who only see you as an endless source of money.
• People who, intentionally or unintentionally, find ways to sap the joy from you.

The idea is to simply start with a list of the people around you who have negative effects on your life. If you can do so this week, try to have one serious conversation with them, but only one. Otherwise, you risk falling into some of the same traps you’re trying to avoid.

If the conversations don’t work, then it’s up to you to be selfish with your own time, money, energy, and effort. You take control of your own life and create distance between toxic people and your precious resources.

For more information on healthy mindsets, personal transformation, and creating a more joyful and productive future, visit BrownAndGray.com