Getting Unstuck
The mental and emotional paralysis we experience is a natural response to our collective trauma. But we can’t stay stuck forever.
In Mindy Kaling’s Netflix series, Never Have I Ever, high school sophomore Devi becomes temporarily paralyzed after her father suffers a heart attack and dies at her orchestra recital. This psychosomatic response to grief or trauma is called a functional neurological disorder and is the result of significant physical or emotional stress.
I’m not a doctor and won’t pretend to be, but I have experienced my share of traumatic events. While I have not endured the same sort of physical paralysis as Devi, I most definitely understand the feeling of being emotionally paralyzed by grief and trauma.
I had heard of the “fight or flight” response to stress, which is why I struggled to understand why, when faced with a real, physical threat, I did neither. I did nothing to stop it, which made me feel like the assault was my fault. I was stuck. Then my therapist told me about the “freeze” response. She explained that I was in a situation where I could not physically overpower my assailant, and I could not safely run away. So instead, my body, within milliseconds, made the decision to freeze. This response, she told me, could have saved my life.
We are currently experiencing grief and trauma on a global scale unlike anything we have seen in our lifetimes. Not only are millions of people getting sick, with hundreds of thousands dying, we have also witnessed police brutality come to a head with the murder of George Floyd captured on camera, and mourned Breonna Taylor who was killed by police while she slept in her bed. We have lost loved ones and been unable to comfort each other in traditional ways due to social distancing practices. We’re losing our jobs and our housing. We grieve our missed opportunities, cancelled vacations, and our regular routines. We miss our friends.
This grief is normal. And real. The mental and emotional paralysis we experience is a natural response to our collective trauma.
But we can’t stay stuck forever.
For Devi, she regains the use of her legs after seeing her crush in the parking lot of the grocery store. Something that brings her excitement and sparks her passion jolts her out of her paralysis.
Finding that spark is paramount to getting unstuck.
For me, I focus on what positive changes I can make. Whether it’s advocating for women or supporting organizations that provide resources for survivors of sexual assault, finding something within my control is a positive way to cope when I get overwhelmed.
At the beginning of the pandemic, I was paralyzed by bad news. Every time I picked up my phone I was met with horrific news, another celebrity death, or conspiracy theories by acquaintances on Facebook. I turned off all my news alerts and downloaded some games to distract myself from social media. The problems of the world were too big to face, so I spent every waking hour playing WordScapes on my phone. I was stuck.
Knowing what I know now about getting myself unstuck, I started to pay attention to positive actions I can control. I heard about an organization called Feed the Frontlines, which provides funding for local restaurants, that in turn provide free meals to healthcare workers. A double whammy! This was something I could support to make a difference. I made a donation, and shared the organization on social media. There are so many worthy causes and I am not in a financial position to support them all, try as I might. But I can post and share. (P.S. Check for Feed the Frontlines in your city!)
When the racial justice protests started happening across the country, I again felt paralyzed. I wanted to make a difference but didn’t know how. This felt too big for me to be able to make a dent. But doing something is better than doing nothing. And we can all do something.
I follow an illustrator on Instagram named Danielle Coke (@ohhappydani) who posted a series of conversations about turning awareness into action. Her conversations were incredibly helpful and she breaks down action steps so clearly. These steps were exactly what I was looking for — small, manageable, and meaningful actions to make a difference at home, at work, in the government, and in business.
Following some of her suggestions, I started intentionally reading books by Black authors, promoting Black artists, supporting Black-owned businesses, and participating in the racial justice conversations happening at work. I plan to continue doing this work, because it’s never over. These individual actions may not make much of a difference, but I did something to get started. I got unstuck.
While the paralysis will not last forever, it’s important to remember that getting unstuck is not just a one-time fix. It takes practice, and it is a practice. You have to keep pulling yourself up in order to keep moving forward. Find a cause that ignites a spark in you and do something about it. Even if it seems small, any positive action you take adds a little joy to a world that desperately needs it. We need people who take action. We need people to be unstuck.
