How Do You Know If A Widower’s Family Accepts You or Just Tolerates You?
True friends have certain traits that let you know they are genuine and ones to keep. Navigating the family of a widower may be different.
Friends possess certain qualities that indicate a genuine desire to have you in their lives. Navigating the dynamics of a widower's family may present unique challenges.
When sitting with my fiancés family, it became apparent that I was the only one asking questions. I genuinely wanted to learn more about them, and they loved to talk about their experiences and tell stories.
It was fun. But by the end of the night, I realized not a single one asked anything of me. I didn’t put much thought into it until I was with them again.
This time, I held a longer wait between my questions, and nothing happened. There was no reciprocation, no questions about how my day was, if I missed my family who lived states away, or if I was working. I found myself sharing things unsolicited, but there was never a follow-up question or interest behind what I shared.
It wasn’t until months later that one of our friends asked me how things were going with his family. I had to think about my answer if they accepted me or not.
I was actually flummoxed as to how to answer her question.
I mean, the family was friendly to me. They invited me to occasional barbecues to celebrate a birthday or Father’s Day, and they seemed to enjoy the family dinners we hosted at our house.
But when my girlfriend pressed me, asking me if they ever invited me to get wine or get our nails done or celebrate my birthday, it hit me that we would never be ‘friends,’ in the ordinary sense of the word.
I reflected on the difference between genuine friends and those who must be cordial and kind due to unavoidable circumstances but don’t want to further the connection.
I don’t believe they intended to be mean. I determined that it was a type of defense mechanism, a way to deal with grief.
I explained to my friend that if they accepted me into their fold and included me in special events, they would have to also come to terms with the loss of the mother and grandmother they dearly loved.
Accepting me meant they had to accept the loss. In the article about emotional maturity, I explain how to learn where people are in their grieving process. We need to recognize, though, that we are not stand-ins for the person that was lost. We are merely companions to our Widower’s next phase of their life.
So, how do you know if your friends are indeed friends or merely acquaintances? (This includes family members of the Widowers.)
Friends Ask Questions
They want to know what makes you tick. True friends inquire about your life, work, and family. They let you know that you matter.
If they don’t, ask yourself if you ask them questions. People love to talk about themselves, and if it’s a quality relationship, they will reciprocate.
If you find yourself constantly engaging them, and they don’t inquire about you, then you may need to rethink the effort you’re putting into the relationship.
They Invite You In
Regardless of the activity, you’re invited to participate in their group. Texts, calls, and stopping by let you know they want you to be a part of the connection. If they haven’t reached out to you, be sure to tell them that you would like to be a part of the group.
It’s okay if you have to start the dialog initially, but after a few attempts and it’s not reciprocated, you may need to share your disappointment. Then you’ll need to decide if the relationship is worth the effort.
They Celebrate You
Birthdays, a promotion at work, or a new residence are excellent reasons to get together and celebrate. True friends will want to share in your joy and even hardships.
You should never feel like an afterthought or unimportant to the people you care about. Sometimes though, women tend to put expectations on friends that may be unrealistic. If they don’t clue in right away, be sure to share what you’d like to happen.
If they don’t catch on, it’s time to reevaluate who they are to you.
Accepting the relationships, we encounter enriches our experiences and wisdom. Not everyone will fill the perfect space in your life or weather any storm with you. So, be sure to choose wisely.
Ultimately, the quality of your friendships is worth more than the number of friends you have.
