How to Tackle the Shame that Makes You Irrationally Angry
And how to stop your anger from destroying those close to you.
Confession: I often become irrationally angry at those closest to me, my immediate family & friends. Them who I know won’t fight back.
There, I got my cringe-worthy confession off my chest to those I want to be honest with, my readers! You may have started to judge me a little after reading that.
But are you really that different from me?
All of us suffer to a degree from the human condition of treating those closest to us with least caution. But the time comes when we need to step back to think about why we abuse most those we love & who love us back.
If you often get irrationally angry with those who take it, what could be the reason behind your rage?
It could be a cover for shame.
No, I am not trying to upset you more but to tell you that it may not be entirely your fault. Shame often originates in childhood trauma. Anger is its by-product in adulthood. If you have grown up feeling unworthy, you are more likely to lash out, wounded by trauma & shamed by your perceived shortcomings.
When you face difficult situations, your self-abusive streak pushes you to get irrationally angry.
What happens is even more unfair. When you are consumed by rage you are unable to understand yourself. But you think thoughts at the moment like ‘they should understand’, ‘they are responsible’ or ‘why should they have it easy when I have it tough?’
Deep down you know your anger is misdirected.
I know hurting those close to you is your way of punishing yourself for your perceived inadequacies, because it breaks your heart every time you do it.
Look at the ‘Rings of Trust.’
You often get irrationally angry at the person closest to you.
Who is you.
The ‘Rings of Trust’ also tell us that we are usually kind to strangers. We don’t trust them enough to be mean to them.
How do you deal with the shame that makes you irrationally angry?
After your anger episode is over & you’ve had a chance to cool down, shame & regret are heaped on the pile of shame you are already sitting on.
You deserve better.
The good news is when you work on the shame your anger will dissipate over time.
You can start with an apology for becoming irrationally angry.
Anger will turn allies into enemies, so you may want to first apologize & keep it short. Rationalizing your anger to your loved ones only makes the trauma worse for them & you.
Learn to express at the moment.
We lash out in anger because we are not conditioned to express our displeasure at that very moment.
It may not be easy for you to talk like your feelings matter. But they do & if you’ve been hurt you have every right to express your displeasure in rational ways. You can use a pattern interrupt to do that before your anger takes you over.
A pattern interrupt is akin to someone else slapping you out of your state.
I pinch myself slightly in the arm to create my pattern interrupt. See what works for you. You can even ask for some alone time to process your thoughts and then address them to the person who triggered you. You can for example tell someone who always keeps you waiting “I am unhappy with how you have been ignoring my requests to be on time. It makes me feel belittled & uncared for. Can we address what is going on?”
Journaling
There is always a pattern to anger. What triggers you once will trigger you again. This is because deep down a value of yours has been breached in the moment. When you know what makes you irrationally angry you can journal the patterns & work on addressing the triggers.
Compassion toward you
Do you feel inadequate & shamed after your anger episode ends? That’s normal. Self-judgment is only your automatic reaction from being judged for years. Try self-compassion instead. Your anger does not define you. You are a complete & magical human in your own special way. Don’t feel guilty for feeling self-compassion. Choose forgiveness over punishing yourself.
Self-compassion meditation made a lot of difference to me. It may help you too.
Don’t bottle up the shame.
If you can open up to someone trusted, talk about your past. Opening up will help you release shame. If you don’t trust anyone enough, you can talk to a coach. I found writing to be therapeutic in tackling moments when I am irrationally angry.
When you embrace your fragile heart, you will discover the beautiful person hidden beneath your layers of anger.
I am a freelance writer who likes to write about mental health. If you are a life coach or mental health practitioner who wishes to start a blog, consider hiring me to write for you. Talk here to hire me.
