How to Win a Belief-Based Argument Without Losing a Friendship
The astonishing reason you lose a squabble & how to change your story.
We don’t have belief in what serves us.
We get served what we believe.
This is the reason most of us suck at living. We are stuck in our heads all the time.
Take our jobs for example. We play stories in our mind that have got nothing to do with reality. It is obvious that our stories won’t take us places, duh! But we can’t stop ourselves from spinning tales, placing our belief in imaginary slights & unhealthy politics so our heads are stuck in our asses forever. The more we avoid reality the safer we feel. This works until eventuality happens. And our world comes crashing down the weak pillars of our make-believe beliefs.
For a long while my work life was a disaster because I chose to put my faith in misplaced beliefs.
These were unsaid corporate rules that weren’t serving my growth. In hindsight I should have questioned that these rules applied only to humans low in the pecking ladder. And why there were more unsaid rules for those of us low in the food chain?
I had to finally acknowledge that I had been an ostrich. I had to unlearn & relearn. When I chose to believe what served me, I discovered seven truth bombs about the corporate world that could fast track my career growth.
Now I know that belief in unsupportive rules ensure my survival but do nothing for my growth.
The strange thing about beliefs is that they are almost never our own.
Those gatekeepers of our mind- childhood influencers force feed us their beliefs. We lap them up because the influencers — our parents, older siblings & teachers ensure our survival. It’s a sadly vicious circle. Our influencers acquired their beliefs as children. We feed the same beliefs to our progeny.
It’s easy now to see why we attack when our belief is challenged.
We believe to find meaning. We believe to belong. Our beliefs help us cling to our lineage, our ancestry & our institutions. Questioning someone’s beliefs is akin to telling them that their ancestors survived by luck, not by grit, determination & mental superiority as they believe and would have us believe.
Rather than shedding beliefs that don’t serve us, we use them to cast blame when things go wrong.
We use a belief to choose people to band with, choose partners & to choose our vocations.
This is why we go terribly wrong. We live unhappily. We meet the wrong people. We don’t make enough money, despite working hard. We chose life partners who don’t compliment us.
Those who live successful, useful lives understand this fallacy. They don’t choose soul mates, life partners & vocations based on beliefs. They choose them based on values.
When we start to unravel beliefs, we face two challenges.
1. How do we determine which of our beliefs don’t serve us?
2. How do we challenge other’s beliefs to win an argument without losing a friendship?
When we are told “this is the way things are” maybe we can ask questions like:
1. Is this always true every time for everyone on earth?
2. Does believing this serve my progress?
These are the only two questions that matter.
When I hear what I know is a belief I ask for back up research. I also ask myself if the belief will help me live better.
This happened just last week, when I was running.
A co runner claimed that running with less sleep is counterproductive. Now, I have a frisky two-year-old who doesn’t let me sleep until midnight. This means I get about five or six (if I am lucky) hours of sleep a day. If I believed my co runner I would have to stop running! Instead, I asked him for research that backed up his claim. Turns out he didn’t have any! I did a bit of research myself & discovered a point of view that exercise aids in better quality sleep. This meant though I was compromising on the hours I slept, running would help me sleep better in those few hours. This belief suits my lifestyle & my love for running. Until I get more data that proves my co runner right, run is what I am going to do!
Misplaced beliefs are dangerous.
Other’s misplaced beliefs may stand in the way of our progress.
How many times have we come across a situation at work when things don’t get done because someone has decided to place his beliefs above doing the right thing?
This means we might have to challenge other’s beliefs. I used to suck at this. Not only would I not succeed but I would lose friends & their trust. Unsuccessful attempt after unsuccessful attempt lead me to revisit the strategy I was using to attack.
I do it this way now with better results.
I acknowledge the other person’s point of view. I ask curious but neutral questions about the belief. These questions make them retrace their steps to when they acquired the belief. In the process they often argue themselves out of what they believe in.
This is what I did with my co runner. I asked him about his personal experience. How did he manage on the days he couldn’t sleep well? He even ran a marathon after being sleep deprived! That was some awesome feat wasn’t it? How did he feel later?
A belief is just an anchor we hold onto because it comforts us.
But what if, we don’t actually seek anchors that hold us to shores but are searching the unknown of vast blue seas? What if we could shed the belief that ties us to shores & conquer oceans?
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