Instinctively Know Your Needs…
The signal to follow when waters get choppy.
Recently, I turned a pyramid into a sailboat. Well, not literally. I discovered a new way to look at my needs. Sunday I went out for a roast with my family for my mum’s birthday. I felt great on the way there but on the way back I had a bit of a headache. The next morning, a full-blown cold appeared. Colds, especially when working for yourself, are interesting and they throw up a lot around the hierarchy of one’s needs. Keep going in the pursuit of the safety of income? Or down tools and go slow to get back to full fitness? The latter is the way forward (it often brings about the former more quickly too) but that’s perhaps not what the vulnerable fear-of-abandonment-don’t-want-to-let-people-down-worried-about-not-having-enough-money voice in our head might say when the wave of insecurity strikes.
Mine certainly used to. It still does occasionally but in recent times it seems to have lost its megaphone. The coaching work I do is around enabling people to be able to quieten their protective Ego “voice” so they can rehear and listen to (and take action from) their instincts. So, I tuned in. I could instinctively feel that this cold wasn’t a “showstopper” — not even a thought of choosing pops up when one of those hits other than perhaps, “Cough, cough, gurgle…Soup, please.” I made the decision to continue my practice of trusting all will be okay and I took my foot off the gas and prioritised my well-being. A did a bit of light work, napped, read a work-related book, napped, etc. I did have a couple of client calls towards the end of the week but I felt coherent by then so took them. Lo and behold what I’d read was exactly what was required to explain what I needed to to help move my client (and me it turned out) forward. It’s all about opening our sails.
Maslow’s needs are listed: Physiological, Safety, Belonging-love, Self-esteem, Self-Actualisation. In the pyramid way of viewing things, they are stacked on top of each other giving the impression that when a person completes a level they graduate to the next and never look back. This is, of course, not true and ever-the-more-so when a cold kicks in.
The sailboat way of viewing our needs is, the boat (the part that touches the water) represents our security needs: Safety, connection, and self-esteem. The sail part represents our growth needs: Exploration, love, and purpose. We need both parts actualised to have lived the full human experience. With that in mind, the reason I’ve turned a pyramid into a sailboat is that it provides a lovely way of looking at our day-to-day “progression” in life via the question, “How much do I feel to open my “sails” today?”
We need to defend our wooden-boat needs only to stay alive (which is important at times like when a cold kicks in) but we actually live when we open our sails. Our instincts will tell us when it’s time to open the main sail and go for it — the feeling there is excitement and/or vulnerability. Yes, vulnerability. Think of the feeling of vulnerability as a signal to follow — the catalyst to our freedom. It’s the wind blowing into you, your “sails”, urging you to move but because you are anchored, and attached to, the safety of the shore there’s a lot of discomfort. The way to soften this feeling, to “up anchor” and be freer, is to gradually push your comfort zone and feel the winds of vulnerability a bit each day. Remember though, at times, that vulnerability could be in the NOT doing, in the drawing in the spinnaker, hunkering down, floating for a bit and NOT moving forward. If a boat was leaking at much as my nose was it would definitely be wise to pause to patch itself up. So that’s what I did. I’ll open the main sail again next week.
Speak soon,
Adam
PRACTICE: Safe isn’t necessarily good for you (this is a simple practice but a VERY powerful one).
WHY: To work out your ‘emotional muscles’ so they become stronger through flexibility. Then, when a big wave comes out of the blue, you can ride it more easily.
HOW TO START: Ask yourself, “Do I want to do this thing (or not do it) because it makes me feel safe, which makes me feel good? Or do I want to do this thing because it makes me feel good (full stop)? E.g. For me slowing down and resting when I had a cold made me feel good. It didn’t make me feel safe in relation to having a secured income — keeping going would have (and that’s where my work lies. Choosing to trust, despite the uncomfortable vulnerability feeling, strengthens my ability to navigate future challenges)
PS. The book, which I’ve only just started actually, can be found here
For more tools on tips to become better at expressing your emotions download my free e-guide here
Living consciously and by choice instead of by habit is fantastic but it’s not easy. It takes practise. It’s called “doing the work” for a reason. I’ll save you a lot of time and support you through the insecurity of change. Book a free discovery call here
