Parenting Teens Without Losing Your Sh*t
The spiritual practice of non-reactivity.
by Lucie Hemmen, Ph.D.
Let’s face it — even if you’re the Dalai Lama of the parenting world, there’s a good chance you’ve lost it with your teenager. With their unpredictable moods and behaviors, it’s easy to feel challenged on a daily basis.
The problem with losing your temper with your teen is that it damages your relationship and your access to be a resource and an ally.
A teen never looks at a parent losing their sh#t and thinks: “Wow, he’s mad. Better never do that again” or “Damn, she’s upset. She really cares.”
Much more likely, your teen finds you either ridiculous or terrifying. Either way, you’re someone to avoid and circumvent. Not a trusted “go-to” in times of need.
Additionally, when you lose it with your teen, you miss out on an opportunity to model good coping. For better or for worse, our kids learn how to handle life from watching us.
When a parent loses it regularly, blowing up becomes normalized in the family. That means the teen is vulnerable to engaging in the same behavior OR tolerating that behavior in others.
If you’re a parent who loses it more than you’d like to, there’s a good chance you fit the description emotionally reactive. This means that you experience emotional arousal more quickly, easily, and intensely than more emotionally regulated people.
Emotionally regulated people are relatively laid back, either by nature or because they’ve worked on themselves. Practices such as meditation, journaling, exercise, self-reflection, yoga, and therapy increase and support emotional regulation.
These pursuits regulate the nervous system, improve function of the rational brain, and increase self-awareness and emotional self-regulation.
Instead of allowing emotions to take over, an emotionally regulated parent notices emotional intensity building. They use that awareness to engage in strategies to soothe and down-regulate what they’re experiencing.
In turn, they are more skillful, conscientious, and compassionate in their interactions. They have closer, stronger relationships with their teens, family, and friends.
As a parent, working on your own reactivity has great payoffs. You feel better about yourself, your teen feels more emotionally safe and open with you, and all your relationships grow stronger.
If you’d like to work on decreasing your emotional reactivity, these 6 steps are for you:
- Start by Noticing
All change begins with becoming aware that you are triggered.
The triggered feeling is often a physical sensation that gets your attention. Notice and name to yourself what you’re experiencing, ie: Ugh! I am so annoyed/enraged/scared/worried/hurt.
Noticing and even naming your emotion is a powerful first step because it toggles activation from your emotional brain to your thinking brain, thereby calming you while also helping you think better.
2. Pause
Allow a pause to take place and name the pause: P A U S E.
Creating an intentional pause when triggered serves to prevent a messy emotional acceleration.
You’re effectively slowing yourself down now. You’re signaling your brain that you’re not in imminent danger. You’re lifting your focus off of what’s triggering you (your teenager and the problem at hand) to create a brief moment of space.
Ways to pause include preparing a cup of tea, drinking a glass of water, stepping outside for a fresh air reset, singing the alphabet song in your head, splashing water on your face, or changing your body position.
The best choice will depend on the moment you’re in.
2. Breathe
Take to a long, slow inhale, hold it for a few seconds, followed by a long, slow exhale.
Angry people resist hearing this, but it’s a physiologically rock-solid way to get your brain to work better because it switches on your parasympathetic nervous system- which calms you.
If you’re face-to-face with your teen, you can practice this breathing technique in a discreet way that goes unnoticed.
Or, do this while engaging in your pause activity of choice: for example, doing a slow inhale and exhale while stepping outside for air or preparing your cup of tea.
3. Unclench and Soften
When you have an intense emotional reaction, your body reacts physically.
In stressful or shocking moments, you may feel pushed, punched, dropped, pierced, tumbled, shocked, or hit by a train.
This is an automatic and survival-oriented response that you can bring your awareness to. Practice noticing these sensations in the moment, because a tense body correlates with a tense emotional state.
When triggered, intentionally soften your muscles out of seize mode. Soften and roll your shoulders back and down. Unclench the facial muscles that are freaking out your teen.
Feel your muscles surrender out of firefighter mode and into a relaxed and present state of being.
4. Visualize
Emotions are energy — and emotions that move over and through you don’t cause problems.
It’s the feelings that lodge that cause problems. Stuck feelings either explode or calicify, which creates an uncomfortable heaviness.
Practice regarding the feelings you experience as water flowing freely down a stream. Visualize emotions (yours and your teen’s) moving over and through you, like water over river rocks.
This image helps keep you fluid and flexible in moments of intense emotions. When you allow emotions to flow over you and through you, it’s easier to stay relaxed and calm.
5. Assess
Much of what teens do or say doesn’t need to be addressed as a crisis.
If you assess no imminent danger, there may be huge benefits to allowing things to settle before handling them further. Touch base with your teen when you’re less emotionally affected and have had time to think/talk/research/broaden your perspective.
Because you’ll be in a more balanced headspace, you can approach your teen with curiosity, openness, acceptance, and love.
When teens are less overwhelmed by parental intensity (and their fear of repercussions), they share more information and accept more guidance and support.
They also make note that having a parent in the loop equals help rather than hell.
6. Bounce Back
Resilience is the ability to bounce back, and teens bounce back when parents do.
Good relationships have their share of sh#t. It’s not about the sh#t but about the willingness to bounce back and move on.
Signal to yourself and your teen that hard moments come and go, without silent treatments, love withdrawal, or permanent damage. Without annoying reminders of that last time you really screwed up.
Resilience teaches teens that difficult times can build strength, not compromise it. When someone loves you enough to bounce back and move forward with optimism and goodwill, you grow into an adult that can do the same — for others and yourself.
At the end of the day, it is developmentally appropriate for teens to provoke the patience of parents. It’s also developmentally appropriate for them to struggle with their own emotional reactivity.
By working on your own emotional regulation, you give your teen a parent they can trust, emulate, and seek out when needed.
As you give focus to the spiritual practice of non-reactivity, keep in mind that it’s easier when you feel fairly good in your own life. You’ll be more vulnerable to emotional reactivity when you are tired, overwhelmed, rushed, overworked, sick, injured, or hormonal.
Enjoy and namaste!
