Should We Feel What We Actually Feel in this “Positive-Vibe-Only” World?
I’ve googled and found out that Greek poet Hesiod (c. 700 bc) once said,
Observe due measure; moderation is best in all things.
And I’m a firm believer of moderation, including in positivity. I have to point out that, sometimes, holding onto even the tiniest threads of hope can help us pull through challenging and difficult circumstances, moments of anxiety or spirals of thought. Knowing that after a period of low mood, the sky will clear and there will be rainbow, is indeed comforting. No wonder people are so hooked whenever we see a saccharine quote on happiness.
However, I think positivity isn’t always the best way to help other people and can even have adverse effect. Hence, the term: toxic positivity. I find it as a half-assed attempt at making someone feel better by focusing on positive emotions. You’re not helping them. You’re just diverting their focus. It’s basically like saying to someone that all their problems can be solved with positive thinking or focusing on something else.
How many of us heard (and follow) instagram accounts with “Good Vibes Only” or “Happiness is a Choice” written on their bio? I think a little piece of me dies whenever I read or hear them. While the intentions might be good, they’re dismissive and minimizing life’s real and genuine pain. They’re toxic.It’s impossible for a human to function and feel just happy 24/7. As simple as that.
I totally understand, in a world overloaded with flowery inspirational quotes, sometimes it can seem “wrong” to feel down or sad. However, when you deny or avoid unpleasant emotions, you make them bigger and unprocessed. They’re there. You just choose to ignore them. As someone with anxiety, I stopped seeking comfort in toxic advice coated with “positive vibe”. I also try to not interfere with someone’s feelings, whenever they’re sharing their problems. You’re allowed to have emotions. You’re allowed to be sad. It’s important to acknowledge those feelings so moving forward you’ll map out your plan. You’ll figure something out. I believe as we welcome our vulnerability and see it as opportunity to acknowledge and feel all of our feelings, we will grow and gain wisdom in life by allowing ourselves to be present to full spectrum of our emotions.
Now don’t. Don’t feel any less just because you’re feeling less than cheerful at the moment. It’s part of life when we won’t always be able to make sense of what we are going through. According to Noel McDermott, a clinical psychotherapist, better well-being should not focus only on being happy, because it denies resilience-building experiences. Especially at times like this, where things are waaaayyy beyond the word normal.
And it’s understandable if sometimes we fell towards the toxic positivity spectrum when someone tells us their story and we’re not prepared with answers. “You Go Girl!” or “Everything‘s Going to Be OK!’” perhaps will be our go-to answer in that situation. But that doesn’t mean we can’t re-look and revisit. I think most of the time, what we need to do is to help them by acknowledging the problems they’re facing; and it also helps to normalise their problems by relating to them and not making them feel strange for feeling sad. Sometimes we need to check if we’re actually listening.
