Teen Academic Anxiety
And the perks of being an under-involved parent.
Anxiety is running rampant in our youth with 1 in 3 affected nationwide.
Not the typical, everyday anxiety, but the kind that creates a lot of turmoil and family disruption. Because an anxious teen suffers intensely.
While many factors drive up anxiety in today’s teen, academic pressure is by far the one I hear about most. My private practice is full of academic high performers, who sacrifice sleep, balanced development and mental health, in order to tenaciously build the perfect college application.
It’s not a worthy sacrifice. The price teens are paying in mental health is as alarming as it is unnecessary. A healthy human is more likely to be authentically successful in life, no matter what college they go to.
When my own daughters were high schoolers, they’d be the first to tell you that I had low involvement with their academics. It wasn’t my plan exactly, but more of the way things worked out.
I was the primary income provider and had a demanding work schedule that left me little bandwidth for micro-managing academics. Beyond that, I had no agenda for my daughters to become super-achievers who would attend prestigious institutions.
I did have an agenda for both my girls to attend college. But, starting at a community college and transferring to a 4-year college was an excellent scenario in my mind. Less debt, more time to grow up. That’s a double win in my book.
Additionally, community college programs often guarantee entrance into excellent affiliate colleges. In our area, that includes UC Berkeley, which is extremely difficult to get into straight out of high school.
Let’s also be real about how many 17/18-year-olds are truly ready for the 4-year college experience anyway. Maybe fewer than you think — statistics show that a whopping 30% of students drop out of college after their first year.
The grim dropout statistics don’t surprise me at all. I’ve noticed over the years that it’s often the highest achievers that don’t stick — not because they’re not academically ready, but because their dedication to academics took a toll on other important areas of development.
College is not only academically stressful — it also demands a lot of emotional maturity, strong coping skills, strong decision-making skills, good social skills, and a hearty work ethic — preferably one that doesn’t rely on buying Adderall from a dormmate to pull an all-nighter before a final the next day.
While a fat GPA and collection of extracurricular bells and whistles may look good on a college application, they don’t necessarily set you up to be a strong, resilient, emotionally regulated college student.
All that glitters is not gold, I tell parents. Yes, your child looks good, but she’s not feeling good.
She feels like a project, not a person. She sees you as a manager, not a mother. An astronomical grade point average in a kid who is not sleeping, has frequent emotional meltdowns, and suffers panic attacks is not successful.
Parents feel torn. They think pushing their child will pay off in the long run.
They want therapy to calm the anxiety caused by missing out on a healthy, balanced childhood. Therapy can’t do that. Life is an important teacher and teens need much more time to live it.
Even though I had many reasons for my low involvement in my teens’ academics, at the core, I wanted them both to create and own their unique path. I didn’t want them to “look good” over authentically being and feeling good. I focused on being their support system rather than a manager.
As a parent, I will cheer you on, I’ll feed you, I’ll support napping and time with friends. I won’t push or manage you because I want your direction in life to come from inside you. Try on different interests and know that finding out what you don’t like is just as valuable as finding out what you love.
I’ll remind you that balance is important, and I’ll do what I can to facilitate your access to an array of experiences.
I will call you out when you’re sacrificing your sleep for other things, even academic things. I’ll put my foot down hard because a sleep deprived kid is a poor learner, with a poor memory and emotions that are impossible to regulate.
Sleep is a non-negotiable.
I’ll also give you perspective when you think a failure or disappointment defines you. Zero failures mean you’re playing it too safe. Not everything turns out the way you want it to and you won’t be good at everything.
Perfection and excellence aren’t as satisfying as living life fully. Things get messy sometimes but that’s part of the fun. You can handle challenging situations and learn from them.
Sure, I will support you going straight to a 4-year if you have your heart set on it. Just know that it’s not the “best” way or the only path. If it feels right to you and you work to make it happen, I’m on board.
My girls are now college graduates that are healthy, self-directed, and passionate about their lives. They loved high school and remember it as a social time, a time of freedom and frolic, a time they learned about themselves and life.
That is authentic success in my book, and I want more young people to have it.
