The Biggest Fear of Regret One Could Possibly Imagine
It comes to you just like that — while feeling disconnected like never before.
Ever since that evening when I realized that I have two fears in life — having regrets later on and losing my mom — I started reshaping my approach.
I wanted to know. I wanted to check if I was the only one out there dreading this hypothetical feeling of ‘what if’ and ‘if only I did differently’.
Throughout my whole life, I was a person of intense emotions — I simply cannot imagine dealing with daily stuff without pouring my heart out. Every single experience, every single task, every single holding hands ritual — I’m there, my whole existence links directly to this moment, storing it in the depths of my consciousness.
So when I felt disconnected to my soul that one night in particular when I realized that I will doom myself of having a miserable life if I don’t change the course of action, it dawned on me — hell, nothing’s scarier than regretting.
The missed opportunities, the abandoned dreams, the chances we failed to take and embrace, the unseen beauty of this life, of this heart.
During the course of that night, my life was heading in a specific direction — I was at the point where I was this close to ‘having it all’. At least what most people’s idea of having it all is. A job, a place, a hobby, an opportunity to have a child. But something was missing — my inner spark was deteriorating, it was barely flickering. Right there and then I knew that it’s up to me to decide whether I could live with the constant feeling of something missing or I would risk it all and try to find that one extra piece of the puzzle.
Well, I couldn’t face a life of regret.
Let me be honest with you — it ain’t easy living like that.
I’m trying to get used to people’s astonishment while asking me:
But what if you never find what you’re looking for? What if life isn’t supposed to be this magnificent never-ending journey of intense emotions and experiences and the strongest love of all?
Well, I’m willing to take my chances.
Sometimes days go by so slowly. Frequently I wonder if I simply have to accept the ordinary aspect of things. You get the idea — maintaining an ok job, staying in a mediocre relationship, give birth not because you feel like it but because you feel obliged to. There are days when I think life would be so much simpler that way.
And so much more not worth it.
What about all the trips I will be missing? All the passion for life and love out there? What about my soul — stuck in a corner of dreamless existence when all it wants is to experience it all?
Because, frankly, one cannot maintain a life worth being talked about if one creates in the most mediocre way possible.
Fear of regret versus fear of the unknown
Do I even know if I would succeed at finding and maintaining this fire, this spark my soul longs so much for? Of course not, I have no idea. But I do know this:
I’m more willing to facing the fear of the unknown than facing that stage in my life when I would be regretting giving up.
I simply cannot give up. We cannot give up.
The beauty of this life sometimes comes in the form of constant pursuit. If you’re lucky, you’ll find your sanctuary. If not — well, the road is just as exciting and worthy as the possible best-case scenario in its end.
We simply cannot give up. We owe our soul not ever giving up.
