The Optimism I Found in Existential Nihilism
In my first encounter with existential nihilism, I thought it was a pretty depressing outlook. If life has no inherent meaning, I thought that meant that life would be pointless and we should all curl up and die. I mean, why would you do anything if it didn’t mean anything? I have come to realize for myself ,though, that the concept of a lack of inherent meaning is actually quite freeing and provides a much happier outlook.
“Life has no Inherent Meaning”
If a “meaningful life” is not something that actually exists in the world, this frees you from the need or pressure to spend your life pursuing it. You do not need to chase something external. You do not need to feel bad if your life does not look like what others think it should. There is no “ideal” to try to match up to. It gives you the freedom to create your own meaning, to pursue what you want, to ignore the opinions of others. It means you literally cannot get life wrong because there is no wrong. This takes all of the pressure off. Once the burden of the “right way to live” is removed, it allows one to take stock of what they actually want their life to be and what meaning they want to create for themselves. It allows for individuality and creativity. It allows for freedom. It allows for living the life you want to live simply because you want to.
For me this occurred in my decision not to have kids. I have never once had even the smallest desire to have kids. But it was something that society and the religion I grew up in told me was my purpose in life. My life would be meaningless unless I reproduced. But guess what? It is just as meaningless with or without! So I don’t have to do something I don’t want to do just because the societal messaging is that I “need to”. This was such a burden lifted off of me.
I now focus on making my life how I want it to be and creating my own meaning. My happiness has tripled as I pursue what I want rather than what I am told I should want.
“Nothing Matters”
Instead of making life pointless, nothing mattering actually lets you go all in simply because it doesn’t matter. When I think of nothing mattering, I think of it in terms of not attaching to any outcomes; it means not needing something to happen a certain way in order to feel ok.
In Buddhism, this is called detachment from outcomes and is a key component of reaching a zen state. I interpreted the nihilist ‘nothing mattering’ the same way.
It is so much easier to start a business when it doesn’t matter if it fails. It is so much easier to ask that person that you like out if it doesn’t matter what they say. If ultimately none of it matters then you can go big because you can’t actually mess it up. None of it will mean anything about you as a person. A business failing doesn’t mean you are a failure. Someone rejecting you doesn’t mean you are not desirable. It is when it matters that it freezes you. When it matters, you have trouble with risk and uncertainty. When it matters, you have staked your worthiness and self-esteem on an outcome. You have created a desperate need. This is much more painful than letting go of the outcomes and doing things for the sake of doing them.
Thinking this way was a bit of a mindfuck for me at first. I had spent so much of my life thinking that getting everything “right” mattered. I thought that there was a right way to be and a right way to think and that if I didn’t match up I was a failure. When I first considered the possibility that maybe none of it matters, I spent an entire afternoon in bed crying because it actually feels pretty terrible when you are in the process of giving up a tightly held belief system. Psychologists call it cognitive dissonance, but that is essentially a fancy way of saying ‘feeling like shit’. On the other side of that though was a huge relief. My life could be whatever I wanted it to be. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do just because I was “supposed to.” I could just be me and that would be enough. After a lifetime of never feeling “good enough”, this was the first glimmer of just being enough as I am. The yardstick could go away.
Everything mattering was so debilitating for me. The pressure was intense. I was afraid of making mistakes so I avoided making decisions. I make decisions so much easier now that I know that there won’t be a wrong choice as long as I like my reasons for making a choice. It is independent of the outcome.
Nothing mattering doesn’t mean that I don’t pursue big goals. I do. It means that my goals do not define me. It means it would be awesome if I achieved them, but it also doesn’t matter if I don’t. Instead of this making me lazy and not pursuing anything, this has helped me have the courage necessary to pursue big goals in the first place. When I know that no matter what I will be fine, I am not so afraid to take chances.
Interestingly enough, shifting into this mindset helped me become a more tolerant person. My former self really only socialized with people who shared similar beliefs and circumstances. I didn’t have a lot of tolerance for differences in others when there was a “right” and a “wrong” way to live or be. When that goes away, I just see people. I see people as the complex beings that they are. I feel so much more connected to humanity. I feel more compassion.
While I may have not adopted the entirety of existential nihilism, I have embraced a few of the tenets that have provided me with greater freedom and peace of mind. I have added them to my own philosophy and have found the happiness that comes from following your heart and creating your own meaning. So thank you existential nihilists. I owe you one.
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