The Taboo Series: “I don’t love my child”
A story on regretting motherhood.
This article is part of the Taboo Series. In this series, I will interview individuals that have agreed to share their story with full candor on the condition of anonymity. The objective is to give readers a view into an individual’s raw and real experience with a taboo topic.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine a few years ago after she had her first child. We were casually catching up for lunch. I have always been the person that constantly asks taboo / politically incorrect questions out of genuine curiosity for the candid answers. Surprisingly, I have found people tend to answer quite honestly and that one question usually opens the floodgates to a fascinating and thought-provoking conversation.
During the conversation, I asked her a question that typically comes to mind when I’m on the topic of motherhood but have never outright asked anyone before, “Was having a child worth it?” She wasn’t shocked at all by the question and answered without hesitation “50% of the time it’s worthwhile, and the other 50% of the time it’s not.” This stuck with me.
I recently decided to have a catch up call with her and I asked her again whether now that six years have passed, if she had changed her mind on her answer. This resulted in an extensive 3 hour conversation and a follow up interview.
She agreed to share her story anonymously because she believed it would be beneficial to anyone considering having a child and perhaps those with children who could relate, and now would know they are not alone.
This is her story in her own words.
Your child is six years old now, have your views changed on whether you regret your decision to birth and raise a child?
I 100% regret it. I knew after the first few months that I did not want to be a mother anymore, but I also knew that I was stuck being a mother for the rest of my life. I fell into a deep depression that everyone called postpartum depression, but what I couldn’t tell anyone was that I was clearly having buyer’s remorse.
Before I had my child, I was able to live a spontaneous life.
I was excelling in my career, my husband and I actually liked each other and spoke about more interesting things than whether we have diapers in the house.
I didn’t have the best body, but I didn’t have this war torn body that I have now.
Oh, and not to mention that I had actual money to spend on myself, had time to myself, had friends that had interesting lives. Although I love my family and my in-laws, before I didn’t have to see them everyday. I now have to justify everything I do in my house and with my child, facing judgment for my parenting skills and dealing with unsolicited opinions.
I would say the saddest part about my life is I have lost everything that makes me happy, and I traded that for what society told me I needed in order to reach the final stages of a successful relationship with my husband.
What I cared most about before having my daughter, was my career, my marriage, my friends, and my family. While I had a real chance of making partner at my firm before having my child, I feel that I am now one of those working mothers who everyone is annoyed by because I have a second job outside of work that takes away from my primary job with them, but they can’t fire me because they are too afraid of a discrimination lawsuit. So, it seems that the writing is on the wall that I’ll be stuck in middle management.
My marriage is completely devoid of infatuation and joy. My husband and I have turned into roommates rather than the romantic relationship that we used to have where I was eager to see him everyday after work.
Virtually all of my friends have all left my life. The ones that have stayed are the ones with kids too, and all they talk about is kids stuff.
I haven’t been outside of a kids’ presence for years now. I can’t tell you how many times I have had to watch stupid cartoons, answer stupid questions, and ultimately just pretend that I am someone I am not.
If someone had just told me the truth about what having a baby was all about, I would have never done it. However, no one says anything to you because they think being honest will seem as though they are regretting becoming a mother, which means they would be wishing for their child to never have been born and that’s unthinkable in our society.
For me, I would never wish harm on my child. Never. I do however wish my daughter had never been born, but now that she is here, I would certainly never wish harm on her.
It is just that I made an unwise decision and I have to wake up every morning knowing my life has been essentially ruined by that decision.
Do I love her? I know I am supposed to say yes, but the honest to God answer is that I don’t.
I love certain times we have together. I love moments with her. I love her insofar as I want her to be happy and prosperous, but I don’t love her in any real sense. I just have an obligation. It’s a duty.
If I went away for a year, I wouldn’t miss her. I would certainly think about her, and I would hate to miss moments, but I would get over it and be completely fine with it. I actually have thought about leaving a few times. Leaving my marriage and leaving her as well. The off ramp would be leaving, but they’d hate me.
But even if I am hated by her, by my husband, by my family, and condemned by society, I would at least have the next 50 years in peace to live as I please and hopefully happily until I die– I’d be better off.
I have stayed though. I will stay too. I won’t ever leave because I am strong enough to take this on.
Would you consider yourself a good parent?
There is a huge difference between being a parent and being a good parent. 99% of parents are terrible parents that are just keeping their children alive.
A good parent is one that focuses on developing a human being that is a freethinking, healthy, capable, and additive to society person.
If becoming the ideal parent was my primary focus and my goal then I possibly could be. But, if I am being honest with myself, I am not a good parent because I don’t have the interest, time, or energy to be.
To be a good parent, it takes every ounce of your being and patience, time, and energy. It must be your primary focus.
Oh, and by the way, you have got to be an amazing successful human being yourself or you will have no idea how to raise an amazing human being.
As an example, you can’t just yell at your child and tell them to do as you say or do what you want. Yes, that method of instruction will get the child to do what you want to do. However, a good parent would need to explain to the child, convince the child, and have them develop the independent thinking skills that will have them come to the same conclusion that you have come to for them. Then you have to do that with every one of the one million instances that come up daily, and you have to do that 365 days a year.
You have to become a coach on life.
Everything becomes a teaching moment and the teacher must be self-aware, extremely sharp, knowledgeable and thoughtful at all times on all things. Do you know how much energy, patience, and wisdom you need to be able to do that?
99% of parents don’t have it in them, so they take the shortcut by yelling, bribing, punishing, etc, and these shortcuts end up causing a whole host of problems that the kid will carry on for life and usually create harmful psychological impacts.
This isn’t a novel conclusion. Everyone knows this. Everyone just ignores it because having children in this world is a quantity over quality game.
What do you make of what you’ve said today? What’s next?
Overall, this conversation has been cathartic for me, but nothing will change for me.
It is too late for me, and it’s terrible to say that because this isn’t an acute problem. It is not like getting food poisoning and realizing that you’ll be fine the next day and life will resume back to normal.
This is my one life. I have one life. One. And I am miserable.
And yes, eventually I will get some freedom back and my happiness back (I hope) once my daughter becomes independent, but by the time she is 18 I don’t even know if I will even still have awareness that happiness is something I should or could seek. I feel numb now and it’s only been 6 years.
I guess once my daughter becomes 18, I will just be content if I am still in good health and able to function.
So what’s next? I am going to continue on. I am going to get through. I am strong. I won’t run away from my mistake.
But, if I can save one woman from doing this by arming her with the full set of facts, then I can say that there is something that came from this.
I do 100% believe there are some women that thoroughly enjoy motherhood and they should be a mother and make that choice 100 times out of 100, but just like everything, there are people for whom motherhood is not for and they should never choose to be mothers no matter what society says.
If we keep just pretending that being a mom is a success, if we keep stigmatizing being childless (or childfree), if we keep pretending having a child is somehow a noble thing to do and should be sought out by women or will make us happy, and if we don’t just treat having a child for what it actually is–just literally reproducing as any other organism does from bacteria to dogs–then more and more women will continue to get fooled into this.
Women face major impacts because of these social constructs that no one talks about. You’re sold this story that babies are the next step in your union when you get married and without children you will have an empty life devoid of meaning and substance. They are all lies.
With the knowledge and experience I have, I would not go back and become a mother. I sincerely believe that. The disadvantages outweigh the advantages. I should not have passively made the decision without considering the consequences. I didn’t fully appreciate what it meant to bring a child into this world.
The main point I am trying to get across here is this:
If you want to have kids, and know the good and the bad, and you still want to have kids and can provide for them, then have your kids.
If you don’t want to have kids and you know the good and the bad, then don’t have kids.
For those that don’t have kids, don’t let anyone pressure you, make you feel like you are less than, or that you have missed out, or that you aren’t special.
For those that have kids, you aren’t special, you are just a person with a kid, and I hope you enjoy having a kid.
I have permission to speak freely here, so I will. I personally do not enjoy motherhood, never have and never will. I wish I were just the beautiful and carefree woman I was before living my life, instead I am overweight, stressed, and stuck in the middle class with a seemingly plateaued career.
I don’t even recognize myself and all I have to show for all my sacrifices is a child–which, if I am being honest, is hardly worth it to me. Society would have told me I was more condemned without a child, but my reality is quite different.
Thanks for tuning into the Taboo Series. If you have any suggestions for topics, please feel free to comment below to provide ideas or privately message us to refer potential interviewees who are willing to speak!
