May 15, 2021
Who Am I to Tell You How to Do “Better”?
It’s not like I don’t repeatedly get stuck in the same traps as everyone else.
The title of this was originally supposed to be “A Habit of Thinking”, with a subtitle suggesting that you can change your unhealthy patterns of thinking — quite motivational, right? I even took 30 minutes finding a photo that (I believe) perfectly captures the idea of being lost in our thoughts:
I hope my sarcasm is detectable because, honestly, I was not happy with that. Something felt off. There was one thought that I couldn’t shake off —
Who am I to tell you how to do better?
Who am I to tell you how to “break out of your unhealthy thinking habits to achieve more happiness and success”? Who am I to claim that I have mastered “mindfulness” and am doing everything right in life?
It was going to be based on science — our physical habits are triggered by stimuli, and so are our mental habits. Acknowledging this and recognizing our cognitive patterns will allow us to change them, because awareness is the first step towards improvement.
But the truth is that most of us already know this. We read articles online, giving advice that — although are likely to be true and effective when carried out— are not always practical.
Nowadays, so many of us seek improvement in ourselves and in our lives. We read articles about self-help and personal growth, trying to apply the advice we read online into our daily lives.
However, a lot of things are easier said than done.
Yes — I can teach you everything about thinking patterns. I can provide you with a list of “10 ways to get rid of your toxic thoughts”…
...I can tell you personal anecdotes about how I managed my detrimental ways of thinking.
How I managed my unhealthy thinking patterns
Overthinking has always been stopping me from stepping out of my comfort zone, depriving me of new experiences and opportunities.
Interacting with new people:
How will they think of me? Do they think I’m being fake? Do I look nervous? I should just keep my head down, hopefully they don’t notice me. Do I look like I’m trying to avoid them? Can they tell? I’ll leave so no one can approach me.
Finding somewhere to eat alone:
This restaurant looks nice. There’s so many people, though — will they judge me for eating by myself? I’ll look for somewhere that’s less crowded. But wait, I can’t see any waiters at the door. Is the restaurant not open? Should I go check? What if I look like a fool, trying to walk in a closed restaurant? This is too nerve-wracking, I’ll just skip this meal.
Asking my partner for help:
Will I appear too needy? What if they are not in a great mood right now, then I would just be creating more trouble. When is a good time to ask? Tonight? Tomorrow? Am I asking for too much? Will they leave me for being too high maintenance? Maybe I’ll figure it out myself…
These scenarios are quite simple, but my pattern of overthinking turned the simple into complex. As a result, I backed out of situations and interactions that I would have enjoyed or could have benefited from.
When I became aware of this habit, it allowed me to spot it whenever I began to get stuck in this trap. And when I caught myself overthinking, I would tell myself: Stop, you are overthinking again.
Before I could follow through my usual pattern of thought, I snapped out of it and told myself to look at the situation from a more rational and less anxiety-driven perspective. Over time, stopping myself when I am about to overthink, and replacing it with a more constructive mental habit, had made the old pattern of thinking much less frequent and easier to control.
But again, a lot of things are easier said than done…
Drastic improvement did not happen overnight. It took multiple failed attempts, many internal breakdowns, and repetition over a long period of time in order to finally manage my mental habits.
And even now, I am nowhere near perfect. I still overthink — perhaps less than before, but it’s still frequent.
I have not completely fixed this problem. Does it mean that I should feel ashamed? Am I not “better”?
So, what’s the point?
Personally, I believe that I have improved. A lot. This might not be obvious to others — some might say that I still overthink and get too worried over the small stuff. I don’t disagree.
Because of this, a part of me does feel like I am in no position to tell you or anyone “how to fix your problems”. I still get stuck in the same mental traps and barriers. I don’t know how to get out of them and never fall back in again. I don’t really know how to give you any actionable, “100% guaranteed effective” advice, either.
Nevertheless, I do know what I can tell you. My point is this: everyone has their own definition of “progress”.
For me, being able to stop myself from overthinking 5 times out of the 20 potential episodes is, what I consider, a big improvement. You might not notice it, but I know that I am better than I was a year ago.
Which also leads me to my second point: you don’t need to feel ashamed for not having your problems “completely fixed”.
If you read an article about “5 ways to live a healthier life” and try to follow through, but happen to slack off on some days, you don’t need to feel ashamed and put yourself down for it.
You are human. You will face setbacks — it’s normal. It’s difficult trying to change our lifestyles and habits, and the fact that you have made any attempt is already improvement in itself.
While people are trying to improve themselves and live more fulfilling lives, they are most likely going to encounter challenges on the way — whatever magnitude they are.
And while there are many sources out there telling you how to do “better”, just remember that you are the one who knows what is your definition of “success” or “improvement”.
The road probably won’t be smooth, and you’re most likely going to fall through some traps. But beating yourself up about it will only injure you more, making it harder to climb out of it.
Perhaps the one advice I can actually give you is to be forgiving towards yourself, because that is — ultimately — a way to do “better.”
