Why We Should Normalize Anger
As someone who remains emotionally reserved in his life, I use anger to help me understand myself and people.
I was waiting at a drive-through that seemed to never end. People were driving out of the line. Some opted for the McDonalds across the street. I stayed since it was a DoorDash request. After about 20 minutes, I was almost up.
Only one car ahead of me.
I then witnessed something that I’ve only seen in films or on YouTube. I saw someone throw a burrito at the cashier. The customer quickly drove off, shouting obscenities.
The cashier told me that the customer was upset with having to wait so long. Adding to the customer’s frustration was that her order was not correct. Blinded by rage, she threw the burrito, which she had already paid for.
The cashier was clearly trying her best to keep her composure when speaking to me, but I could see that she wanted to shout curse words. The employee was mad about being short-staffed, upset at a coworker who had called out, displeased at the customer who had just thrown the burrito, and frustrated that she had to continue on as if nothing had gone wrong.
And that was just her experience at work. I’m sure, like many, the cashier had various things in her life that could add up to her being angry before the shift started.
Sadly, this can lead to built-up anger. That’s the thing with anger; it doesn’t fizzle down; it boils, waiting for the next time to be unleashed.
Anger, I have found, can be a difficult emotion to express. As a kid, I hardly threw any fits. Apparently, this concerned people around me, including my mother. I’ve always been a timid, quiet, and shy problem-free child.
My mother told me a story about my younger years in elementary school. The class bully made his rounds of wreaking destruction onto classmates until he finally laid his gaze on me.
This short-lived experience with a bully ended as soon as it began. I quickly retaliated the only way I knew how, by physically hurting the kid — much to my teacher’s surprise.
Adding to the shock was that I cried in the arms of my teacher because I hurt someone. I made someone feel pain. The teacher called my mother and informed her of the incident. My mother says that the teacher was relieved that I defended myself since she was worried about my quiet demeanor.
While I don’t have any recollection of this event, it marked my mother deeply because it solidified her belief that her emotionally reserved child would be okay. You see, my mother, brothers, uncles, cousins, and environment were all quick to show anger. Whether it be a shouting match or a physical confrontation, everyone around me appeared to have no issue expressing how they felt about someone or an event. I would take a much more neutral stance and assess the situation before expressing my feelings. As a kid, I wanted the opposite of what was the norm when expressing anger. I believe my mother was worried that I would be bullied because of this.
I’ve always been a sensitive person, which makes displaying angry emotions difficult for me. Despite enjoying Jackie Chan films, I couldn’t do karate as a kid because I would cry anytime I had to spar with another student. Even in other sports, my sensitivity to causing harm was present. My mother is very competitive, so she would scold me whenever I wasn’t rough enough when playing sports. Today, I believe that the reason I struggled with sports is that competitiveness inherently involves some form of aggression.
While in high school and my early 20s, I had a false belief that the emotion of anger has no value. I never saw the point to settle something with a fist. Even during high school confrontations, I simply believed that things could be handled with words or avoidance. I’m in my 30s, and my stance on the devaluing of anger has shifted. I see its importance and the need for it.
That is not to say I see any merit in handling confrontations with fists; I certainly don’t. What I realize now is that I have been channeling anger differently. There are various ways to channel that energy into something else instead of having it boil inside until it reaches its inevitable breaking point and causes you to snap.
As a lover of comics, I often think of Marvel’s Incredible Hulk when I think of anger. Due to gamma-ray exposure, Bruce Banner’s character mutates into a destructive creature known as the Hulk when he is feeling emotional distress (specifically, anger).
Bruce eventually comes to terms with his anger. He accepts that this mutation is a part of him instead of ignoring it and avoiding things that will trigger the transformation. In doing so, Bruce allows himself to give in to the anger and is rewarded with the ability to control the Hulk.
Obviously, that was a condensed interpretation of a character that has been in existence for over 40 years.
The takeaway is that accepting anger, just like any other emotion, is healthy and can lead to significant and positive personal transformation. Bruce uses the power of the Hulk in order to protect those he cares about and the fictional world he lives in.
Fortunately for us, we don’t mutate into a green creature when we are in distress. Unfortunately, however, our anger still carries weight and can impact other people. Even if we don’t display it, anger can eat at our soul and ruin us and our relationships: friends go on not communicating, romantic partners who constantly shout at each other may eventually break up or attack each other. Or someone may be enraged and unleash the anger on an undeserving bystander by throwing a burrito at them.
As someone who remains emotionally reserved in his life, I use anger to help me understand myself and other people. When I’m feeling upset at someone, I use that emotion to understand where someone is coming from. When I’m disappointed in myself, I write it out or go on a run.
The critical thing about anger is that it’s energy, just like anything else. And with energy, we can harness it and control it to make beautiful things.
Anger should not be an emotion that we shun away and lock up. We can use anger to make changes within our political sphere, changes within relationships, changes within our work environment, and most importantly, within ourselves
