Why You Will Do Best to Ignore Unsolicited Advice from Haters
If it makes you feel vulnerable & brow beaten, welcome to the club.
You are young & naïve, a newbie at work. You have just got some much- needed advice from an old hand. How good does it feel! To be saved from literally falling shamefacedly on your face.
We’ve all been thankful for those times when a parent, a teacher or an older sibling has given us guidance, given us the inside dope or maybe saved us from mortal humiliation. They cared how we would show up & end up in a situation.
Flip the circumstance on its head.
Many years down the line you are still getting advice. But it’s unsolicited & you are now old enough to wipe your own ass. Your grown-up self can handle things very well, thank you. But you continue to receive advice unwanted. And what’s worse, from those you would never turn to for help. Like my mother-in-law who doles out baby rearing advice in a tone that says my baby would become roadkill if she didn’t interfere. You know what I mean. Mothers in law are not easy specimens to handle. Truth also being that unsolicited advice is not easy to handle. I get a lot of it because I come across as easy going & open. We’ll come to that. I know you are clucking with disapproval at my openness in embracing the world.
But why do people dole out unasked for advice like candy? You kind of already know why they do, you Oracle! But again, that’s because you know who in your life doles out unwanted advice & you sure as hell don’t like them.
Here’s putting the finger on the spot that hurts. Ouch!
First, the obvious. They are not in exactly the same shoes as you are. They may think they know the situation but they don’t & they definitely don’t know the context. So even well- meaning advice rankles when you have grown into your own person (and hopefully adulted).
How about unsolicited advice. Definitely extra, like Kim Kardashian’s backside.
One thing to bear in mind as an adult is that unsolicited advice is mostly not about you. Or for you. What is at play is the ego dynamics of the person doling out the advice. Here’s what it could mean:
1. They are judging you with their advice
Your know-it-all savior actually doesn’t like you. They are judging every little bit of what you do. And can’t stop the advice overload because they think you are all wrong. Interestingly, all of us have a judge sitting inside of us. My inner judge is a bitch. I call her Ms. Hyde. She’s a terror in heels & uses her gravel to attack. She rears her head most often when I am in my monthly PMS mode. That’s when I feel the most vulnerable. So she judges others on my behalf. Her well- meaning intention is to protect me & put me on a level playing field. But that’s not what the others think. What I mean is this. Most people give unsolicited advice when they are judging you for being you. And they judge because they are insecure themselves. Their inner judge is on overdrive. They like the fact that you seem more foolish than them. You can know the advice is judgmental when you catch its tone. It sounds more like an annoying recital of your shortcoming rather than any kind of useful dope. It may have sarcastic/ exasperated overtones. Sometimes accompanied by a smirk.
2. They like to display their power over you
These are people who perceive themselves as being on a higher ladder socially, financially or officially. They probably don’t like you either. And they want to bring you down a peg or two. Often you have a history with such people. Past hurts may have festered for a while. They see a window of opportunity to strike. These people are insecure too with an axe to grind. You can recognize people trying the power maneuver from their advice-giving style. It comes from a place of superiority. They try to talk down to you. Worse, they may repeat the advice multiple times to convey that you are a halfwit who cannot understand. It’s just a power game at play.
In case of my mother-in-law it’s a combination of 1+2 😉
Whom have you rubbed on the wrong side lately?
3. They are pulling rank with their advice
A subtle difference darling. Those who pull rank genuinely believe they are a superior species. They might not have anything personal against you. But they perceive that they are more knowledgeable than the other 99% of humans & that includes you. These wise ones take it upon themselves to correct what is wrong in others. Through unsolicited advice. These Buddhas genuinely think they know the answers. They can’t believe others wouldn’t want their expertise. This form of advice seems more like nagging & may not have undertones of ill feeling.
4. They need to be needed
The lonely souls. They might have been ‘go to’ people at one point of time. They have now lost their relevance but still live in their hey days. So they dispense advice like the internet dispenses free condoms (just do a google search 😊). The catch here is that they may have your best interests at heart. So, you will want to deal with them differently than the others. The needy could actually be in your corner of the world. My mamma thinks I am still her little girl. Though she is aware that I have grown to be more worldly wise than her. But her protective mommy instincts take over & she doles out unsolicited advice often. I indulge sometimes 😊.
These in my worldview are the four kinds of advice givers. If you know of any other more annoying kinds, comment to let me know.
