4 Psychology-Backed Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic
Framework for building confidence and self-esteem
Tell me if this sounds familiar. When someone praises you, your first instinct is to rebuff and downplay it.
When you achieve something you attribute your success to external circumstances.
When you make a mistake you think about how you ALWAYS screw things up.
Learning to be self-critical is a habit we pick up when we hold ourselves to high standards.
Feeling critical when you make mistakes is normal. But when you continue dwelling on your mistakes longer than necessary, it classifies as negative self-talk.
We have hundreds of thoughts per day; we can’t stop our thoughts, but we can change how we talk to ourselves.
How do you stop the internal negative commentary from hurting your self-esteem and self-confidence?
Most people tend to be self-critical because of 2 reasons:
- They think it is humbling to downplay their achievements
- They want to avoid criticism from others and learn to do it to themselves instead.
We are also prone to be our worst critics because we want to be self-aware, but there is a difference between self-awareness and self-criticism.
I am not saying that you should hold yourself accountable to high standards. you should, but not at the cost of your mental health and well-being.
Here are 4 science-backed ways you can turn self-criticism into an improvement strategy.
1. Stop Catastrophizing
It is normal to feel remorseful over a missed deadline, a botched interview, or being late to an important event. What’s not normal is feeling that there is no turning back from the mistake you made.
Catastrophizing is a thinking trap where your mind turns to the worst-case scenario even though there is no evidence to make you believe that way. Catastrophizing is detrimental to both problem-solving and mental health.
How to stop jumping to the worst conclusions?
People prone to self-criticism expect nothing less of perfection from themselves leading them to have exaggerated thinking patterns — catastrophizing.
When you notice yourself thinking about the worst-case scenarios, stop and ask your inner critic the following.
- Am I thinking realistically about this or have I jumped to the worst-case scenario?
- Do a realistic appraisal of the situation. There is a chance that you can fix the mistake, apologize, ask for more time, etc.
Stop panicking and get specific about the solution.
Ask yourself what’s the worst-case scenario.
Fail the test? Miss the bus? Get reprimanded?
Now, move on to the next step. What would you do if whatever your worst scenario dictates does happen?
Think about possible solutions.
Catastrophizing makes us think only about the consequences, instead of the solutions or alternate ways to avoid or overcome the situation.
Skip a few steps and get to the part where you are thinking about solutions instead of stressing over the mistake.
Allow yourself to get out of this thinking trap and come up with some solutions so you can make amends or work towards a better solution.
2. Stop Filtering
People who are self-critical see themselves through a negative filter. Even when they are doing good, they tend to hyperfocus on something negative.
We end up feeling critical of our flaws when we are only thinking about those flaws and negative aspects in isolation. But you have to remember that you are a mix of both positive and negative traits.
Even if you have made a mistake, you are not obligated to stay stuck or be defined by your mistakes.
For example, a person prone to self-criticism will have a great day, where they did everything right and things went according to plan. But in the end, they will be focused on how they almost forgot XYZ and then had to be reminded.
Are you sensing a pattern here? Expecting perfection and focusing on the flaws.
How to stop expecting perfection?
- Consciously adjust your habit of focusing only on the negative.
When you notice yourself doing that, gently guide your thoughts toward a positive trait or accomplishment.
2. Be more mindful of your thoughts and how you react to them.
Self-criticism generates both physical and mental reactions. Physically, it leads to stress reactions, and mentally, it causes low self-esteem.
This kind of self-criticism can quickly result in burnout, loss of motivation, and anxiety.
When you notice yourself filtering out the negative experiences to hyper-focus on, remind yourself of all the wins you have had.
Self-appreciation doesn’t mean that you are not humble, it simply means that you are allowed to view your achievements and progress over the years in a positive light.
3. Stop Minimizing Your Strengths
Self-criticism is a double-edged sword because it keeps you stuck in the cycle of focusing only on the negative, all the while preventing you from finding and strengthening your strengths.
When you are concerned with looking at their flaws you forget that there is another side to you; the talents that come naturally to you due to either nature or nurture.
People who struggle with self-criticism often forget to harness their strengths.
The thing is that when you keep measuring your qualities against an ideal that is not compatible with your personality, you will come up short.
For example, I am an introvert and if I start measuring my worth as a person against someone who is naturally extroverted, then I will come up short no matter how hard I try.
How to harness your strengths?
When you engage in activities that align with your natural talents and proficiencies, you can do more meaningful and impactful work as an individual, leading to improved self-esteem.
1. Make a list of things you enjoy or are good at. Ask someone else if you can’t come up with something.
2. Seek out opportunities to nurture and hone your strengths.
The thing about self-esteem and confidence is that they multiply with each win.
You will struggle, but you will learn along the way. The key is to hone your strengths so much there is no room for self-criticism.
4. Don’t Expect Perfection
We are acutely aware of our flaws because we get to experience both our wins and struggles.
But at its core, we tend to be self-critical because we keep comparing our behind-the-scenes with someone’s 6-month rehearsed stage performance.
You think everyone else has it all together because you are not privy to their every thought or action.
You are critical of yourself because you think that others are not making similar mistakes as you leading you to be extremely self-critical.
How to focus on your personal journey?
Setting goals or ideals is a useful strategy for personal growth but when you start thinking that others are perfect or without flaws then that is when the problem starts.
When you find yourself thinking that way, ask yourself
- Do you have any proof of what you are thinking?
2. Remember that what you think is not necessarily the true reflection of reality.
No one is without flaws, but the difference between those who are self-confident is that they have come to terms with the fact that they will make mistakes.
They allow themselves to grow and learn from them instead of avoiding them or beating themselves up over them.
Framework for Overcoming Self-Criticism
Question the critic.
For example, when your inner critic says, “I’m so stupid to make this mistake”.
Ask yourself, Why do I think that? Wouldn’t someone else in the same position would have made a similar assumption?
Whenever you see yourself engaging in negative self-talk do the following:
- Do a realistic appraisal of the situation instead of mindlessly viewing the event as black and white.
- Learn to tune out your inner critic and replace the voice of criticism with that of compassion that helps you make sense of the world without putting you down.
- Challenge your inner critic, and positively re-frame the voice that tells you you can’t learn from mistakes. Turn it into the voice that pushes you toward positive growth.
It can take time and practice to transform your inner critic. The important thing is to start noticing when your inner critic is being too negative and to interrupt it before it takes over.
By doing so habitually, you’ll find yourself becoming more confident in your sense of self and your abilities.