5 Effective Ideas to Help You Deal With Repetitive Quarrels
You’ll stop rushing into new disagreements over mere trouble.
Quarrels occur to a greater or lesser degree in relationships. Repeated conflicts are oppressive, especially the ones you could have avoided. Still, not everyone understands the way to fix it.
Over the past few years, I’ve noticed plenty of conflicts arising in my life. I wouldn’t say I liked this arrangement, and I found methods that helped me. Now I want to share with you the following six reliable ways.
1. Start looking at the problem as a spectator
When fighting with loved ones or friends, is it like you stop being you? That feeling of confusion in your head after an argument? There’s one question in your head — “Why did I do that?”
When you get into an argument, you are thinking hyper-reactive. It is one of the two states of human thinking.
- Hyper-reactive thinking is an employee. You give him a task, and he completes it as fast as possible. He has no interest in doing it better. His goal is to complete the job when the responsibility for the results is on you. He sees only a fragment of the picture.
- Proactive thinking is a self-employed person. When he receives a suggestion, he imagines the big picture. He’s thinking about results, not the task at hand. He’s responsible for himself.
How to be proactive?
In a new conflict, you feel you are at risk. Losing an argument can cause you significant losses. You don’t want that, do you? So you will defend yourself.
Some people watch sports games on television. Sometimes you can find born-again coaches among them. They always know the right way to play. I think this is an excellent example of proactive thinking.
Every time you argue with someone, imagine watching a match on TV.
Does watching television put you at any risk? Imagine the new quarrel, but you’re watching it on your box. Is this fight an actual threat to you? Do you need to win this fight? What does the person you’re arguing with want from you?
When you give yourself answers, you relax. The danger becomes a minor setback. A quarrel that would degenerate into a scandal will become a regular dialogue.
2. Most of the problems lie in breathing
When you have shallow and sped-up breathing, you send a danger signal to your body. Your body gives a momentary reaction and prepares itself for defense. Here is an effective procedure for exiting this state.
When you take a deep breath, you explain to your body that everything is in order.
Stand for a while and breathe. A few deep breaths will be enough to give you relief. You will regain your peace of mind.
3. Figure out what is happening to your mind and body
In Mindfulness (Mark Williams, Danny Penman), I read about The Three Minute Breathing Space. It’s an incredible feature which you can use whenever you’re feeling stressed. I have made this practice more appropriate for myself.
I ask myself questions, and the answers give me insight into what’s happening to me right now.
What is going on? Why am I so angry? Is it reasonable now? How does my body feel now? Is my body under tension or stiffness?
By answering the questions, it becomes clear to me what is happening to my body and mind. I can determine whether the danger is real or a figment of my imagination.
4. You have to talk about a person, not about your opinion
Sometimes you cannot avoid arguing because you cannot understand another person. Everyone has their unique perspective on things. It may not be easy to accept this view because you don’t see it.
You’re looking for ways to outdo the person, not about the person.
Show your interlocutor that you are not imposing your opinion. Listen to the other person’s position, and then solidify that with understanding. It is crucial not only to hear but also to listen. You make it clear to other people their opinions matter. Then you can reach your arguer and start a conversation. You can get a consensus in the discussion, but never in a quarrel.
5. Never forget that there are always two truths
I have a story in my life. My girlfriend asked me to buy a light bulb. The chat was:
— Can you buy a bulb after work in the store?
— I don’t know which bulb to buy.
— The standard base.
— I don’t know what the standard base is.
— Fine, I will buy it by myself!
At one moment both of you may be right.
On one side, I didn’t get what I needed to buy. On the other hand, my girlfriend feels I want to avoid housework. We are both right.
At that moment, I didn’t realize what the standard lamp base was. I could ask my girlfriend to explain to me, but my response was passive.
Now I do know there are always two truths. Today I will do everything to understand the point of view of my girlfriend.
The Bottom Line
No exact course of action will solve all of your conflict problems. You are unique, so your approach to solving problems will also be unique. Everything you have read will help you either develop solutions to your conflicts.
Speaking of myself, I’m trying not to rush into new conflicts over simple annoyances anymore. I am still learning how to accept the other person’s point of view. Breathing helps me to relax and approach the situation objectively. When I can’t understand what’s going on, I ask myself questions.
I hope you enjoyed reading it.
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