LIFE LESSONS
5 Things to Remember to Make Life Better
Here are five areas where you can make your life better by doing things differently:
- People do better when they accept that change has happened
- People do better when they know why
- Greed is bad, balance is good
- There are no shortcuts
- Life is hard and unfair
1. People do better when they accept that change has happened
Change is the engine of this world (and of the universe, actually). As a result, learning how to deal with it is the most important skill you can have.
First, be aware that a change has happened. You can’t improve things if you deny or don’t realize that something has changed. Unease in mind or body may indicate that a change has occurred.
Second, accept the reality of the change. Say goodbye to wishing it hadn’t happened. There are two reasons why this is important. First, you will suffer until you accept this new reality. Second, you are at risk for negative consequences (as an extreme example of this, by putting off going to your doctor, an untreated cancer gets dangerously worse).
Third, determine what is no longer true and what will change in your life. This allows you to turn your back on energy-draining “if only this hadn’t happened” thoughts. It also allows you to pinpoint the areas where the change will need to be addressed.
Finally, spend your energy on things that you can control or influence — what you think, feel, and do. You can’t control what other people think, think, or do. You can’t control the many impersonal sources of change (the weather, the stock market, the actions of government, etc.). Letting go of these things unclutters the playing field, allowing you to see more clearly what resources you can call upon.
2. People do better when they know why
Asking politely isn’t enough. In a famous 1978 paper wondering whether a request can cause the automatic carrying out of the desired action, researchers did an experiment where a person asked if they could jump ahead of other people waiting to make a photocopy. The results were astonishing. When the requester gave a reason (“May I use the Xerox machine, because I’m in a rush?”), they were over twice as likely (94 percent) than someone who asked, “May I use the Xerox machine?” and nothing else (60 percent). Many more researchers have since confirmed the findings of the original study.
Nobody likes being asked for a favor, especially when the person asking is a stranger and there is no reward for granting the favor. But when you give them a reason, even if the reason is nonsensical, you’re more likely to get what you want, and the overall experience is better for both parties.
3. Greed is bad, balance is good
Greed is some kind of excess; your life is out of balance, which is inherently bad. For example:
- It can be about expecting your partner to meet all of your needs. Expecting any one person to fulfill your many needs and desires is unrealistic. It’s also ill-advised; if your partner leaves or dies, you are left isolated and without friends, faced with the tremendous burden of rebuilding your life from scratch.
- It can be about being a workaholic, which leaves you with less time to nourish the other parts of your life, especially friends, family, and self-care.
- It can be about money, power, or influence. In addition to the negative effects mentioned above, greed about these three things also destroys your empathy for and relationship to other people, which leads to isolation and meaninglessness.
Greed, being a form of excess, also causes the loss of something. This may cause grief from whatever is lost (which can occur in many situations, not just a person’s death). See point 1, above, and “5 Things You Should Remember About Grief”.
4. There are no shortcuts
Okay, there are shortcuts, but they’re for small things — like saving time by having food delivered to you. With goals worth accomplishing, like starting a business or writing a novel, you’re actually building something, and that takes time.
Speaking about writing a novel, how long did it take for Stephen King to become successful? Twelve years (and hundreds of rejections) from his first published short story to his first novel (and that doesn’t include about five years until he sold his first story). Another example is the Beatles, who had 7 punishing years before their “overnight” fame kicked in.
It took years and years for me to figure this out; I’m saying this to you now so you don’t have to. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but it’s better than the anguish and loss of time that comes from pursuing a “shortcut” that never works out. Here’s an equation that helps me do better:
success = effective action + time
5. Life is hard and unfair
Although it’s okay to visit the past, it’s dangerous to live there. Doing so will add a lot of unnecessary suffering to your life. Fortunately, there are things you can do that will help. See my articles on dealing with life being hard and unfair.
I’m sure that much of this advice is unwelcome, but it’s the product of 50 years of adult life and my experience as a marriage and family therapist. You may not be able to (or want to) take advantage of all that I’ve shared, and that’s okay. But keep it in mind. Someday it may be exactly what you need.
