When Dating Books Didn’t Work
My self-improvement journey began when I realized I sucked with girls and needed to do something about it.
To improve my social skills, I read books about dating and relationships. These books were helpful, but I always seemed to fall into old patterns of anxiety, control, self-consciousness, and codependency.
It wasn’t until I broaden my content consumption to spiritual and eastern philosophical subjects that I began to see permanent results. The most impactful theory I stumbled upon was awareness of the present moment.
Benefits From Becoming Present To The Moment
Here are 6 benefits I experienced and hope you experience from becoming present to the moment:
1.Heal trauma
We all have trauma, some more than others, because trauma varies.
PTSD from war and rape are traumatic experiences. But so are disapproving parents, unrealistic standards of success and beauty, and misinformation from content creators and gurus.
My surroundings were constantly changing during my childhood, which left me anxious, depressed, and scared. I bounced between living with my mom, dad, and grandparents for various reasons. I went to three elementary schools and four middle schools.
I was bullied in second grade for being overweight. My nickname was “Brycee Blubber”.
I developed a binge eating disorder from incorrect health and nutrition advice.
I developed unhealthy relationship patterns because my parents had unresolved trauma. I didn’t go on a date or kiss a girl in high school. My first relationship was toxic and emotionally draining.
I still struggle with codependency and have undiscovered trauma because healing is an everyday journey.
I’ve shed layers of inauthenticity and anxiety and continue to cleanse my body of heavy emotions with presence.
As I release the dense emotions that controlled my consciousness, I experience more peace, joy, and connection.
2.Accpetnace leads to joy and enthusiasm
Echart Tolle, the author of The Power of Now, states that acceptance is the foundation of joy and enthusiasm.
“Whatever you cannot enjoy doing, you can at least accept that this is what you have to do. Performing an action in the state of acceptance means you are at peace while you do it.”
“Joy does not come from what you do, it flows into what you do and thus into this world from deep within you. You will enjoy any activity in which you are fully present.”
We experience joy during activities we deem pleasurable because we don’t resist them. But resistance to what is deprives our ability to enjoy the little things like a conversation or the daily drive to work.
3.Changes your palate
Trauma, negative energy, and old patterns alter your physical and emotional taste buds.
Water and vegetables will be preferred instead of soda, alcohol, pizza, and drugs because we won’t desire a dopamine spike to distract you from your inner and outer worlds.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love my Panda Express and Subway, but I notice I don’t use their flavors to escape as I once did.
When your codependency has been managed, and you don’t use intimacy as a drug, the people you’re attracted to will change.
No longer will you want or unconsciously find yourself in a relationship filled with anxiety, stress, and anger. Instead, you’ll want partners who are as internally peaceful as you are.
I used to be attracted to the girls that played “hard to get.” I never knew where I stood with them, so I often felt insecure and anxious.
I’d chase them around like a puppy dog because I thought if I got them to like me, it meant I was cool or worthy.
Or I’d run from the girls that were “needy.’ They weren’t needy. They liked me, but I wasn’t attracted to simplicity. It wasn’t emotionally intoxicating enough.
External anxiety appeared to be less attractive, the more internally peaceful I became. Currently, I like girls that are easy-going, drama-free, and “basic.”
4.Improves your attractiveness
Ninety-three percent of all communication is nonverbal. Insecurities and self-consciousness make your body language tense, your vocal tonality soft and shakey, and distracts you from the person in front of you.
Nothing screams confidence more than the appearance of centeredness and the ability to listen and focus on the person you’re talking to.
When a person sees external centeredness and present communication, they assume that person has their sh*t together.
Also, being in the presence of someone calm, light, and empathetic makes others feel good.
5.More resourceful
Trauma and being trapped in your head will prevent you from connecting to the facts of a situation and disconnect you from intuitive decisions.
Presence expands your width and depth of your internal and external surroundings. Better decisions are made when more information can process.
6.Self-discovery
The more you listen, the more you learn.
You learn about your beliefs about yourself or others, your interests, and your true feelings as you become aware of your inner reaction to the outer world.
7.Lower anxiety
There may be no more significant moment than now to learn how to manage anxiety.
As I write this article, I’m unemployed. Last week I lost my job for the second time due to COVID, and I tested positive for the virus.
I’m a busser at a restaurant, and all restaurants closed indoor and outdoor seating, so my boss didn’t need me anymore.
Starting in late November, all my roommates began testing positive for COVID. I was the last one to get the virus.
As I laid in bed with a fever yet vigorously shaking to rid my body of chills, I worried if I was going to survive financially and physically.
Thankfully I’m physically recovered and able to work, but job availabilities are limited. I’m going to drive for Doordash starting within the next couple of days.
But the thought of doing something new is frightening. I’ve had trouble sleeping the last couple of nights because the fear of the unknown is overwhelming.
But my breathe and reassuring thoughts ease my suffering and give me the confidence to move forward.
How To Become Present To The Moment
I’ve read many spiritual and meditation books. Two of the most popular being The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn. But neither of them were as helpful as Buddhism Plain and Simple by Steve Hagen.
As the title suggests, the book is direct and straightforward. The former titles had more fluff and obscure language. The main message and teaching point of Steve Hagen is Buddhism’s primary practice is awareness.
When you are not thinking about the past, the future, or lost in thought, but aware of the now, you are present to the moment.
Awareness isn’t easy, especially if you’re a perfectionist like me.
“How do I practice awareness?”
“Am I doing it right?”
“I need to read a book about how to become aware.”
To practice awareness and become present to the moment, tune into your physical sensations and internal reactions to your outer environment.
Objectively become aware of the feelings in your body, your thoughts, how your eyes react to different colors, how objects feel in your hands, the taste of food, the sound and sensations of print and vocal words.
Awareness is a challenging practice when we’re scared to face our inner turmoil. In the face of heavy thoughts, emotions, and situations, give yourself the comfort and compassion needed to withstand the storm.
It Feels Like Yesterday
I’ve been playing video games with my brother for the first time in seven years. I’m twenty-nine; he’s twenty-seven.
We’ve been reminiscing about our childhood and how we’d play video games from morning to night, and the time our mom caught us playing baseball in the house with an empty two-liter soda bottle and rolled socks.
It feels like yesterday I was yelling at him to stop stealing my face wash in middle school or when we were teammates on the same baseball and basketball teams. In October, my nephew was born and I’ll graduate from school in May.
There are many benefits to learning to become present to the moment — the healing of trauma, peaceful surrender, and improved attractiveness, to name a few.
But no benefit as beautiful as gratitude for this second of life and however many seconds remaining.
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