7 Ways to Combat Holiday Stress
We live in a hectic world that weighs us down with a heavy list of expectations, duties, and messages — many of them contradictory, many of them unhealthy. And it only gets worse during the period that begins with our awareness that Thanksgiving was approaching and continues until we have survived the tender mercies of the New Year.
What follows are seven different strategies that may, depending on your circumstances, help you get through the holiday season a little easier. They are all simple, practical actions you can take that will provide modest but immediate benefits. They are based on sound psychological principles, scientific research, and my own personal experience.
But first, it’s necessary to do some groundwork.
Start with the right mindset
Just as a plant will not grow in inhospitable soil, the strategies described below will not help you if you do not have the right mindset. This mindset has two parts.
You deserve to take care of yourself
Modern society has taught us to be very harsh with ourselves — to criticize ourselves for everything about us that falls short of perfect. Why can’t I do more? Why can’t I do anything right? Why am I unhappy? What’s wrong with me?
What would your reaction be if you heard a friend judge themself this way? It would probably be one of compassion and comfort. How can you say that? You’re a wonderful person, just as you are. Please, try not to be so hard on yourself.
Think about this. How can you treat yourself worse than you treat others? I invite you to begin to do better. The second part of the right mindset is the following:
To take better care of yourself, you will have to do something differently
What you’re saying to yourself is this: I’m going to take better care of myself in addition to all the goals and expectations I’ve already set for myself. Yet what you end up doing is trying to meet your goals and expectations. Of course you fail — and there’s no time left to care for yourself.
For you to take better care of yourself (which is something that you deserve), you must take care of yourself instead of doing all the things you have mentally committed yourself to doing.
You will have to give up something (but perhaps not much). And whatever it is you give up, it will be something that is either unimportant or bad for you.
Self-Care
Here are some things you can do that will help you feel better.
1. Stress-reducing breathing exercise
Use this exercise when you’re feeling anxious or scattered, or when your brain is racing and you want to slow down mentally. It works by getting more oxygen to your brain and encouraging you to focus on one thing: your breathing.
Instructions: Sit straight in a chair that is not too soft. Use a pillow to support your back if needed, or sit on the edge of the chair and maintain good posture. Exhale completely, then breathe in slowly from your diaphragm, taking about four seconds to fill your lungs. (With one hand on your chest and another on your belly button, the lower hand should move forward and the upper hand should not.) Hold your breath for one second, then take four seconds to exhale completely. Repeat 10 times.
Once you know how to do this exercise, you can do it virtually anywhere — for example, during a meeting or while waiting in line. Feel free to adapt this exercise to your situation, but don’t do it in situations where safety requires your full attention.
2. Take a hike
Walking is always good for you, and you can improve its effectiveness with any combination of the following:
- Walking outdoors
- Walking briskly
- Walking for longer (5 minutes is good, 20 is better)
- Walking where greenery (flowers, grass, trees) is present
Use this time to relax, get away from your problems, and enjoy your surroundings.
3. Choose healthier downtime activities
When you’ve just had enough and you want to take a break, when you want to reward yourself for all the work you’ve done, you probably have a few things you like to do for yourself. You know what they are.
Research has shown that during the holidays, people are particularly susceptible to certain activities:
- Watching television or videos
- Constantly checking their smartphones
- Playing videogames
- Eating (as a soothing activity, not because of hunger)
TV, video, and video games may distract you, but they don’t allow the body to relax. And of course, eating when you’re not hungry is not healthy and can leave you feeling bloated and sluggish.
If you want to restore yourself, give both body and mind a true break. Go somewhere quiet and slow down. You can take a nap, listen to music, or lie down somewhere and close your eyes, even if only for a few minutes.
Holiday Events
Now it’stime to look at all the things you feel obligated to do and make some decisions.
4. Commit to omit
Much of the unwanted busyness of the holidays comes from activities we feel we must do for whatever reason: well-established traditions; the expectations of family, friends, and work; even so-called obligations handed to us by societal norms or by that voice inside us that sounds just like a parent or grandparent.
We may feel we ought to meet somebody else’s expectation, but that doesn’t mean that we have to. Ask yourself this question:
Will this activity take more out of me than it gives me?
In most cases, the blessings of the holidays come from making connections that touch us deeply and add meaning to our lives. These connections may be with a person, an activity, or our own spirituality. Activities that foster such connections are worthwhile.
Have the courage to say no when it makes sense to do so. If there’s no connection, why should the other party even care that you’re not there?
5. Set a time limit
Okay, so you have this event you have to attend.
Do yourself a favor. Before you arrive, decide how long you feel like staying — yes, in hours and minutes — and stick to it. It’s easier to endure anything when you know how long it will last.
Do the things you need to do while you’re there, then leave on schedule.
The blessings of the holidays come from making connections that touch us deeply
Another thing to do before you arrive: decide what to tell people who ask why you’re leaving. Remember, the fewer details you give, the less material the other person has to work with to convince you to stay.
In such a situation, I might say, “It’s been lovely being here, but unfortunately I have other holiday obligations.” (Notice the lack of detail.) If the other person continues to ask, simply repeat what you have just said and make your exit.
6. Make a meaningful connection
So what do you do while you’re at this event?
You may be able to turn an “obligation” event into something memorable (or at least more pleasant) by trying to make a meaningful connection to one person at the event. The following is one way to do this.
Pick someone who is not talking to anybody at the moment and start talking to them. If possible, pick someone older than you; you may be surprised by what you learn from them.
Begin with some holiday small talk. Then, when the time seems right, introduce a statement or question that invites them to share something about their history–for example, “I guess you’ve seen a lot of changes in the past __ years” (fill in the blank with a number like 10, 20, or 30). Really, truly listen to what they have to say. And be sure to reciprocate. It’s this sharing that often leads to a deeper conversation.
You can turn an “obligation” event into something memorable by trying to make a meaningful connection to one person
Follow up with questions about where they were living and what they were doing at that time. Then, if it feels right, ask one of the following questions:
- What was important to you back then?
- What was difficult for you at that time?
- What did you think was ahead for you in your life, and where were you surprised by what happened?
Again, look for and share similar events and viewpoints from your life.
If this doesn’t work, don’t worry about it. After all, half of the conversation was beyond your control. And be sure to give yourself credit for reaching out to another person.
And if this does work, you’ve made a connection to another human being, and you’ve enriched the lives of two people. In a small but important way, you’ve made the world a better place. Be proud of that.
7. Make chores easier
There is a classic story about the three stonemasons. It’s told in many ways, but all the different versions share the same spirit. Told briefly, it goes like this:
A traveler sees three stonemasons at work and asks each one what he is doing.
The first stonemason says, “I’m taking all this rough granite and making blocks that are all the same size.”
The second stonemason says, “I’m constructing a wall.”
The third stonemason says, “I have the great privilege of building a cathedral that will shelter my grandchildren and generations beyond.”
If you’re like me, the holidays include lots of tasks that must be done, tasks that keep me from things I would rather be doing — tasks like racking my brain for plausible Christmas gifts, extra trips to the grocery store, wrapping presents, housecleaning, and who knows what else.
Such obligations become less burdensome when, like the third stonemason, I shift my focus from the literal task to the reason behind the task.
For me, the tasks disappear and are replaced by aspects of a rich, meaningful life. I’m doing this so that my house will be a welcoming place for friends and family and This is one way I show my wife that I love her and This gift expresses my appreciation for many years of friendship.
If you give this a try, you may find that what once looked like an imposition has woven itself into the fabric of your life.
Coping better throughout the year
It all begins with understanding that you deserve to do better, and that doing so means changing something in your life.
You can feel better by doing a simple breathing exercise wherever you are, or by walking outdoors.
Watching too much television, spending too much time with your smartphone, excessive playing of videogames, and eating when you’re not hungry are bad for you. You can do better — go somewhere quiet, lie down for a few minutes, or do anything you find calming.
When it comes to gatherings with other people (holiday or not), there are several things you can do.
And you can make chores easier by remembering the larger reasons behind the task itself.
It only takes a small change or two to cope better.
